Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Bend Over And Spell Run!

 When I was in the sixth grade one of my classmates dared me to bend over & spell “run”, not thinking I bent over & barked out, “R-U-N”.

 While saying, “Are you in?” the kid that dared me came behind me, grabbed my hips, & simulated butt fucking me.

 I have yet to recover from this. 

Monday, May 12, 2014

the UFC has fucked shit up for nerds

 There was a time that if a bunch of Alpha Betas or dicks from the Cobra Kai Dojo fucked with you, that you had two options available.

 First Option, you could have used your knowledge of technology to outwit the dim wits & devised a plan that would have made the jocks sorry that they ever screwed with a bunch of twerps. Not any more, manipulated by greed a few elite nerds (sell outs) who can afford their own private security staff, have made technology affordable and assessable to people that only think with their pp. In the palm of their hand (the one they are not jerking off with) is a phone that puts Commodore 64 to shame.

 Thinking about dazzling the pants off of the young ladies with your Keytar? When Frat Boys aren’t busy researching how to procure GHB on their phones, they have several Apps that allow them to make music. You think your Devo inspired rap hybrid is hella dope? Well, Mr. Jock Asshole has created a song with the help of his iPhone that is a mix of the Dave Mathews Band & Disturbed, & it’s sure to get him laid.

 Second Option, you could have gone to your nearest martial arts studio, dojo, or your apartment complex’s handyman (that is most probably a pedophile) & learned how to defend yourself with martial arts, but now a days that would do more harm than good.

 You might think you are a bad ass trying to defend yourself by doing the crane kick to someone that just “pants’d” you, but if you try that shit now, not only will your pants be around your ankles, but your kick will be countered with a combo of kick boxing, Taekwondo, Krava Maga, Grappling, Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, Singhalese Bar Brawling & a right hook to your balls.

 There was a time when a jock’s knowledge of Asian culture revolved around slant-eye jokes & Asian “pussy” and how they are horizontal. Not anymore, the popularity of the UFC has made it so that Martial Arts is no longer “faggot” shit.

 Sadly, unlike Mr.Miyagi, jocks don’t show any restraint, because showing restraint means you are a “fag” or a “pussy” & that won’t get you laid. As for mercy, the only mercy a dickhead will show you is Mercy General Hospital, & you’ll be sent there with a smashed face, bruised butt, & a broke dick. When it comes to people with a date rape mentality there is no surrender, your Karate Kid moves are no match for a rage-a-holic that is fueled with energy drinks and the thoughts of a father that never hugged him.

 Bouncing Bobby Hill from Arlen, TX has suggested kicking these bullies in the nuts, which would stop them from producing more larva. Lewis Skolnick of Adams College believes dressing up like Darth Vadar & tricking a cheerleader into believing you are her boyfriend, so she will fuck you is the way, but in the real world that would result in a rape conviction & some serious time at the High Desert State Prison.

 As for myself I don’t believe that there are any simple solutions. Punk Rock, once a haven for Jock hate is now full of Monday Night Football watching fucks that can’t wait to suck a corporate dick or clit. Gilbert Lowell one time leader of the Jock Resistance Front now does research & development for a major military contractor, when asked why he didn’t renew his subscription to Maximum Rock ‘n Roll he replied, “if you're not a rebel by the age of 20, you got no heart, but if you haven't turned establishment by 30, you've got no brains”.

 It’s my belief that our only hope is to use jocks’ homophobia & “Man” issues against them, we must convince them that being mean is “hella gay” & “totally for pussies”. Douche Bags don’t care about our feelings, but they are insecure and they have a need for us to recognize that their truck has nuts hanging from the back. They need us to know that they are top dog. They need us to know that they are 100% hetro. They need us to know that empathy is for the “pussies” & people with vaginas. They need us to know that they are a “real” man. Fuck that bullshit, I think we need to cut off their trucks nuts & force feed it to them.