Saturday, February 4, 2017

Another Thursday Night on the Las Vegas Strip

 I was walking around the casino when my coworker Steven pointed out a woman & asked, “Do you think she needs our help?”

 The woman was doubled over a slot machine and crying… my coworker’s question now seemed stupid, so I sprung over to see if she was ok.

 I said to the woman, “Mam, are you OK?”

 She leaned up, and said to me, “oh yes, thank you”

 She told me, “I had the worst night last night, someone roofied me, & I was raped in my hotel room”

 I was shocked and told the woman, “let me get security”

 She stopped crying and told me, “I don’t need security, I can take care of myself”, she then broke out in song, “I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman!”  During the “woman” line she flexed her muscles for dramatic effect.

 At this point I realized I just walked into a pile of crazy and was stuck in it. I got to hear all sorts of crazy shit about Gypsies robbing her of 200 hundred dollars and how her husband is an asshole because he wants to use their money to do stupid stuff like pay their taxes... 

Friday, October 10, 2014

When Punk Goes Bunk #667

Dirty Rotten Imbeciles – Crossover – Metal Blade Records
 When I got into punk D.R.I. were the biggest band amongst my fellow skate punks, then D.R.I. released Crossover which resulted in everyone and their mother calling them, “sell outs” or saying even worse, “they have gone metal!” The funny thing is, while everyone talked shit about D.R.I. they were still jamming their tunes. Now, when Thrash Zone came out, that killed it for my friends’ relationship with D.R.I. My friends were so “punk” they even hated the corny as fuck, yet awesome tune Thrashhard!

 Maybe I am a poser, but the first time I heard D.R.I. was after I purchased Thrash Zone on cassette @ the Hungry Ear in 1989. I thought Thrash Zone was OK, not horrible. 

 Next time I heard D.R.I. was in 1990 or ’91 when the singer of Puckered Starfish (B.J.) played me their Dirty Rotten cassette. Everything about the first D.R.I. album should have made me love it (it was short, fast, loud!), but at the time I wasn’t too into it. To be fair this is right around the time I got into Husker Du, Mega City Four, the Doughboys, Samiam, & Jawbreaker… not the most hard core time of my life! You can slag D.R.I. all you want for going “metal”, but you will also have to slag me for going “emo”.

 I finally got around to listening to Crossover in ’93 when I found it at Tower Records Outlet (Sacramento) for 49 cents, & I fucking hated it. I listened to it once or twice before giving up on it. For some reason I remembered the album being slow thrash metal with really long songs. Now that I am listening to it 20 or so years later the tunes sounds much faster than I remember and there are only 5 (out of 12) songs that are long as fuck.

 As I drink my beer, reading the Mongols Secret History, & listening to Crossover I realize it is not a bad album at all, but I totally understand why my friends talked so much shit. At the time punks were under constant attack by coke snorting metal heads, that wore Lipservice stretch jeans that wanted to take our nonexistent girlfriends and fuck them. We fucking hated heavy metal, the sound of Dokken or Ratt made us want to kill, hearing traces of metal in bands we loved pissed us off & made us want to barf. We would vomit at the sign of a Warlock guitar, anyone besides Bob Mould that dared to play a Gibson Flying V would be kicked in the nuts! So maybe my friends prematurely ejaculated all over this one, & they should have saved that cum for Thrash Zone. Looking back it’s funny how harsh my friends were towards this album since S.O.D.’s Speaking English or Die & Slayer’s Reign In Blood were favorite’s among our crew, who cares… being absurd is punk!
 Crossover is mostly a metal album, & the playing is a bit slower than Dealing With It, but it still retains the hard core punk riffs people enjoyed on the first LP. As far as metal goes you can certainly do worse & listen to some shit by Megadeth.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Wife Swapping + butt sucking + ass licking + mutual masturbation = GOOD TIME

 Today I was chatting with one of my coworkers, when he started going off about one of our coworkers that is a swinger. He explained to me that Swingers are going to hell & that Swinging is a gate way to homosexuality. I told him that people into group sex aren't necessarily homosexuals. I explained to him that some guys like watching their wives get two in the pink & one in the stink, while getting their dicks sucked. My coworker told me that he doesn't even want to hear about these things because it puts bad thoughts into his head.  He then looked at me & said, “Just because you have an urge doesn't mean you should act on it. Just because someone has an urge to kill doesn't make it OK to murder!” I told him, “Murder & wife swapping are two completely different things. My coworker looked at me like I was crazy.

Friday, October 3, 2014

When Punk Goes Bunk #666

T.S.O.L. – Hit & Run - Enigma Records
I admit I talk about this album quite a bit, it was one of the first “punk” albums I bought with my own money. I was in Jr. High at the time, skipping lunch, & saving up my lunch money to buy whatever punk, thrash, or hard core cassette was waiting at the Hungry Ear (Kailua, Hi). At the time there was no internet to verify if a punk band was still punk, all I knew is that when my fellow skate punks and I discussed music T.S.O.L. was often brought up, I heard the praise of how they were, “punk as fuck!” So, I filed T.S.O.L.’s name away into my memory & planned to pick up one of their releases. Fast forward a few weeks & I was browsing through the Agnostic Front & SNFU tapes at the Hungry Ear, when the Record Store clerk informed me that T.S.O.L.’s latest album just came in & that it was pretty good, the clerk was wearing a Suicidal Tendencies T-shirt so I thought he was legit, turns out he probably never listened to the album. Before I bought the cassette I stared at the cover, something seemed very wrong, but I bought it any way. At the time I didn’t know that punk bands could go shitty, at this point in life I didn’t even know that Family Man by Black Flag existed.
 As I skateboarded around Kailua I popped Hit & Run into my Walk-Man, & I quickly grew disappointed. What I heard was not “punk as fuck” what I heard sucked. I forced myself to listen to the entire tape, hoping for at least one punk tune, but sadly there were none. What I was treated to was a bunch of blues inspired rock that reminded me of the Cult. Fuck, do I hate the Cult. Frustrated that I wasted my lunch money on a piece of shit, I popped the tape out of my Walk-Man & popped in the World Class Punk Cassette, even the shitty songs on that tape (Under The Sun by Warriors Of The Last Day) were fucking awesome!

 When I returned to school, I told one of my poser friends about the T.S.O.L. album I recently purchased, & he told me, “Oh, yeah you got to be careful buying their shit, some of it sucks!” Mother fucker, now this dick tells me. He then told me how he bought an amazing album by some band called the Spermbirds, he said he had no idea who they were, but took the chance on them because they had “sperm” in their name. He raved on about how they didn’t sound like the Cult!

 Over the years I would occasionally give Hit & Run a listen and even found a couple of songs I didn’t hate. The song Hit & Run, was the first to grow on me with its lyrics about getting too drunk & getting too loud! Music wise it was still that blues rock I think sucks, but it was more upbeat & catchy. The second song that grew on me was Sixteen which was a bit heavier than the other songs, & also featured crash & burn lyrics. At times Sixteen reminds me of the Alice Cooper tune I’m Eighteen, barf! The majority of Hit & Run are tracks that could have been out takes for Appetite For Destruction (Guns n Roses… duh!), by the last two tracks T.S.O.L. has given up on even trying to rock out, and they turn things down a notch with the sensitive track, Stay With Me. Judging from the singers admissions earlier in the album the woman he begs to stay has a lot of reasons to leave, at one point in the album he even taunts her with such lines as, “if you don’t like it then don’t hang around”, then he has the nerve to beg her to stay, fuck off douche bag! By the last song, T.S.O.L. is down to just an acoustic guitar & a guy whining that he is filled with sorrow or some shit, fuck off!

When I heard this album, I was so put off by it that I waited 2 (or 3) years before picking up anything else by T.S.O.L. by that time I was a veteran of punk rock, over the hill, & a walking encyclopedia of underground music (I was probably 14). Up to this point I probably lost a good $40 to punk bands that started playing shitty metal & holy fuck was it almost always shitty metal. I got into punk because I hated “good” metal as well as “shitty” metal. So I knew what to look for on a punk record, so when I saw Dance With Me at Odyssey Records (Las Vegas) I knew it was a safe buy. Dance With Me, was the album I was hoping Hit & Run was… I quickly forgave T.S.O.L. and went on to purchase more records by the band, which at times left me more confused than ever.

 Sure Hit & Run is no punk album, but compared to other rock artists at the time such as Krokus, Y & T, Raven, and Triumph, you could have certainly heard worse. If you have heard Change Today or Revenge you could tell they were already heading in this direction. I am sure if you have some uncle who listens to KOMP, you can throw Hit & Run on and he will think it is the perfect jam to smack his wife to. For the record, fuck your uncle & his ties to the KKK. Also for the record I do appreciate your uncle buying us Crazy Horse beer when we were too young to buy it ourselves, sure your uncle thought I was a, “silly beaner” but he still did us a solid, whatever!

 Some may argue that Hit & Run, only features two original members of T.S.O.L. & I would counter argue that those were two original members that should have known better! Also, judging from Cathedral of Tears & Tender Fury it would have made no difference how many original members were still in the band. T.S.O.L. have since reformed into a punk band and now sound like Jack Grisham’s post T.S.O.L. band Joykiller, which is OK with me since I loved their Static LP.

 Well, I am drunk as fuck & I will now attempt to listen to Grave New World by Discharge, or a newer Misfits LP…

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Infidelity or so the crazy lady claims...

 I was ten years old, minding my own business, when my mom came out from nowhere, & started yelling at me. She wasn't really yelling at me, she was screaming in my direction about my dad.

 While my mom was screaming she was holding a phonebook (the Yellow Pages). You can tell this happened long time ago, because technology has made phonebooks obsolete.

 At some point in the screaming my mom challenged me to find a restaurant, that doesn't have a women working at it that my dad hasn't slept with. She flipped through the pages screaming, pointing at listings, & rhetorically kept saying, "nope not this one".

 I felt bad for my mom & if my dad was having an affair I figured that was pretty fucked up, but I didn't really think I was the right person to receive this information. I don't know if my dad cheated on my mom or not, I’ll take her word for it, but if my Dad cheated on my mom with all of these waitresses, then he was like Wilt Chamberlain. Fuck, my mom only brought up restaurant workers, there is a whole other world of careers my dad may have slept with.

 I sat on the sofa while my mom went off.  At the end of her scream fest she threw the phone book at me. I held up my arms to block the phone book & it fell on to the ground.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Bend Over And Spell Run!

 When I was in the sixth grade one of my classmates dared me to bend over & spell “run”, not thinking I bent over & barked out, “R-U-N”.

 While saying, “Are you in?” the kid that dared me came behind me, grabbed my hips, & simulated butt fucking me.

 I have yet to recover from this. 

Monday, May 12, 2014

the UFC has fucked shit up for nerds

 There was a time that if a bunch of Alpha Betas or dicks from the Cobra Kai Dojo fucked with you, that you had two options available.

 First Option, you could have used your knowledge of technology to outwit the dim wits & devised a plan that would have made the jocks sorry that they ever screwed with a bunch of twerps. Not any more, manipulated by greed a few elite nerds (sell outs) who can afford their own private security staff, have made technology affordable and assessable to people that only think with their pp. In the palm of their hand (the one they are not jerking off with) is a phone that puts Commodore 64 to shame.

 Thinking about dazzling the pants off of the young ladies with your Keytar? When Frat Boys aren’t busy researching how to procure GHB on their phones, they have several Apps that allow them to make music. You think your Devo inspired rap hybrid is hella dope? Well, Mr. Jock Asshole has created a song with the help of his iPhone that is a mix of the Dave Mathews Band & Disturbed, & it’s sure to get him laid.

 Second Option, you could have gone to your nearest martial arts studio, dojo, or your apartment complex’s handyman (that is most probably a pedophile) & learned how to defend yourself with martial arts, but now a days that would do more harm than good.

 You might think you are a bad ass trying to defend yourself by doing the crane kick to someone that just “pants’d” you, but if you try that shit now, not only will your pants be around your ankles, but your kick will be countered with a combo of kick boxing, Taekwondo, Krava Maga, Grappling, Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, Singhalese Bar Brawling & a right hook to your balls.

 There was a time when a jock’s knowledge of Asian culture revolved around slant-eye jokes & Asian “pussy” and how they are horizontal. Not anymore, the popularity of the UFC has made it so that Martial Arts is no longer “faggot” shit.

 Sadly, unlike Mr.Miyagi, jocks don’t show any restraint, because showing restraint means you are a “fag” or a “pussy” & that won’t get you laid. As for mercy, the only mercy a dickhead will show you is Mercy General Hospital, & you’ll be sent there with a smashed face, bruised butt, & a broke dick. When it comes to people with a date rape mentality there is no surrender, your Karate Kid moves are no match for a rage-a-holic that is fueled with energy drinks and the thoughts of a father that never hugged him.

 Bouncing Bobby Hill from Arlen, TX has suggested kicking these bullies in the nuts, which would stop them from producing more larva. Lewis Skolnick of Adams College believes dressing up like Darth Vadar & tricking a cheerleader into believing you are her boyfriend, so she will fuck you is the way, but in the real world that would result in a rape conviction & some serious time at the High Desert State Prison.

 As for myself I don’t believe that there are any simple solutions. Punk Rock, once a haven for Jock hate is now full of Monday Night Football watching fucks that can’t wait to suck a corporate dick or clit. Gilbert Lowell one time leader of the Jock Resistance Front now does research & development for a major military contractor, when asked why he didn’t renew his subscription to Maximum Rock ‘n Roll he replied, “if you're not a rebel by the age of 20, you got no heart, but if you haven't turned establishment by 30, you've got no brains”.

 It’s my belief that our only hope is to use jocks’ homophobia & “Man” issues against them, we must convince them that being mean is “hella gay” & “totally for pussies”. Douche Bags don’t care about our feelings, but they are insecure and they have a need for us to recognize that their truck has nuts hanging from the back. They need us to know that they are top dog. They need us to know that they are 100% hetro. They need us to know that empathy is for the “pussies” & people with vaginas. They need us to know that they are a “real” man. Fuck that bullshit, I think we need to cut off their trucks nuts & force feed it to them.