Sunday, February 9, 2014

Viva Las Vegas!

 Yesterday I was patrolling the casino for guests in distress when I heard a loud bang, followed by several customers screaming for help. I ran over to the sound & found a woman having a seizure; the loud bang was an elderly woman falling off of her chair & hitting her head against a pillar. I grabbed my radio to call for medical assistance, while I was attempting to do this an asshole gets in my face & says “I need help with my slot machine, I want it shut down so I can go to the show”.

 I motioned to the medical situation happening in front of us & told the asshole that I was trying to call for help. The asshole tells me, “Yeah, I know! I saw it happen!”

 I get back on the radio & told the dispatcher where I needed medical, when I was done calling for help I attempted to secure the area so no one could walk through, but the asshole was still standing there, she said to me, “ OK, you are done calling for help, come over to my machine so I can go to the show”.

 I tried to plead with the asshole, by explaining to her that I’d head over to her slot machine when I was done. The asshole wouldn’t budge, she was in my face bugging out about wanting to go to the show, I looked at my watch, and it was 40 minutes till the show started. I couldn’t believe I was even having this discussion with a customer, while another customer was having a seizure less than a foot away. I told the asshole, “Mam, I can’t have this discussion with you right now!”

 When the first EMT arrived, the asshole told me, “ok you can go now, help has arrived”.

 I told the asshole, “I have to make sure no one walks through here”.

 The asshole rhetorically asks me, “Oh it takes two of you to do this?”

 At this point several officers showed up & the asshole gladly informs me that I can leave now.

 When I get to the asshole’s slot machine, she tells me once again that she wants her slot machine shut down so she can go to the show. She can tell I am visibly disappointed in her & she tries to justify her intolerable behavior, I tell her nothing. I am disgusted in myself for not telling this worthless piece of shit to fuck off. The asshole has 37 minutes to get to her fucking show. Fuck her, I hope the show sucks!

The nice thing about knowing people on the East Side is that they also experience weird things…

 Recently at the PT’s Pub on Nellis and Sahara my buddy was drinking well into morning when he found a nice young woman that agreed to go home with him & do whatever it is that two drunk individuals do. The assumed finger-banging & possible fucking is not what makes this story an East Side issue, what makes it noteworthy is that when my friend woke up the next day he found his new friend gone, but in her place was a fresh human shit on his sofa!

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Raising Kids on the East Side...

 Today in my neighborhood I saw a fat fuck kid (I am guessing he was under 5 feet tall & 200 pounds), he walked by me smiling, holding a Happy Meal in one hand & a Carmel McCafĂ© FrappĂ© in the other. I immediately became sad for the child because I knew that by the time he was old enough to fuck that Type 2 Diabetes will have left him with a limp dick & other health issues.

I love the Yuppie Pricks song Hummer in my Hummer!

 Today I rode my bicycle past Las Vegas high school & I saw an orange colored Hummer parked across two parking spots. The sight of this gas guzzler made me let off a sigh of relief, because for a brief moment I was worried that the next generation of adults wouldn’t be douche bags.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

More Childhood Memories...

 My dad once said in total frustration, “I have one kid that is a fucking hippie, one that is a fucking punk rocker, & another, I don’t know what the fuck he is, he is most probably a faggot!”

  I’m pretty sure that when my dad said “punk rocker” he was talking about me...

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Today on the East Side...

…the Mormons tried to come to my house to spread the "good" word. I probably would have been polite & told them, "sorry groovy dudes, not interested", but before that could happen my dog chased them & they ran for their life. Bethany apologized to them, but I didn't. I called my dog back to the door, petted him, & said loudly so the missionaries could hear, "good dog!"

My Ottie & Me...

 Yesterday my dog Ottie did the raddest thing, he lifted his leg like he was gonna take a piss on my neighbor’s wall, but instead a turd dropped out!

Monday, February 3, 2014

Here Is A Money Saving Tip, Instead of Eating a Hotdog, Eat A Dick!

 Yesterday* several of my coworkers gave me some advice, "something you should never buy new is music!"

 When my first coworker told me to never buy new music, I explained to him that I usually buy vinyl (records) or music from touring bands.  I went on to explain that I like to keep my money in the punk rock community & I like supporting touring punk bands. For once one of my coworkers seemed to get it, but I’m sure he still thought I was dumb.

 Fast forward to the end of my shift & I’m sitting in my car thinking, "Wow, several coworkers have told me to never buy music new". I quickly forgot about all the advice my coworkers gave me & focused on my commute home.

 When I got home, I ripped open a beer, & headed to the shower. I drank the beer in the shower while I thought about how much I hate my job. When I got out of the shower I got dressed & headed to the fridge for another beer. With my beer in hand I headed to the computer to check my emails, before I could see who emailed me I was greeted with a Yahoo “news” story about how to save money, one of the tips “don’t ever buy music new”. Motherfuckers!

*this happened a few years ago!

More Notes From My Former Place of Employment!

The other day I was at work wishing someone would shoot me, when some lady from Thailand shoved five dollars down the front of my pants.  I found this to be a bit odd for two reasons, first I'm not an exotic dancer & second because I'm a fat unattractive man.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Tip Compliance

 Let me preface this by stating I find it acceptable to not tip me, I am not bitter & I don’t treat a customer like shit on future encounters if on previous encounters they “stiff’d” me…

 So, today I am paying some guy a $16,500 jackpot, I get the guy to sign all the required paperwork, I reset the customer’s slot machine, & before I walk off I tell the guest, “good luck, I’ll see you shortly to do this again!”

 Before I can walk off, the guest stops me & says, “I would tip you, but Obama is getting enough of my money!”

 Fuck off, motherfucker....