Monday, January 27, 2014

I love the band Spitting On Cops, I dislike spitting on cocks

 I guess I shouldn't have been put off since my penis would have been covered in her saliva anyway, but when she pulled out my cock and spit on it, I couldn't have help but think “what in the hell is goin’ on?”
 She then attempted to put my cock in her mouth, but I was not having any of this shit! For one thing spitting is gross & very degrading, I know white people get off on being degraded because controlling the world is exhausting or some shit, but to quote my dad, “I don’t like that shit!” Second, people who get sex tips from porn are lame, I assume this is what having sex with my male coworkers is like, they spit on their hands, rub them together like Mr. Miyagi, rub the saliva on their wives vagina, then proceed  to dip their gross penises into their poor wives pussy. Gag me with a spoon!

 I pulled my cock back & thought to myself, “I’ll give you my cock when you pry it from my cold, dead hand!”

 I didn't even need to make up an excuse why I couldn't fuck, because my cock shriveled up. She got mad at me for having a broke dick. Even though she was starting to be a bit mean, I lied & told her I was nervous. She didn't give a fuck what my excuse was, I went down on her to shut her up, but that back fired because it got me all excited. Nice and hard, we then proceeded to have sex.

 After having sex we dozed off, when we woke up she asked me to go down on her, as I was going down on her, she started to pull my hair & asked, “Do you like the taste of your dick?”

“Jesus Christ” I thought to myself, but for the record, “Yes I do!” 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Thanks For The Advise, Fuck You and Your God!

 When you get laid off it's not much comfort when someone tells you, "it’s part of God's plan".

 It's even less comforting when the same person goes on to explain that you should, "put it into God's hands".

 What the fuck does this even mean? Am I supposed to sit at home get drunk, listen to punk rock records, eat burritos, & wait for a job to magically appear while God pays my bills?

 Sometimes I wish well-meaning religious people would just save the bullshit for themselves. 

Help A Man Out, He Gotta Crap!

 One night at work some frat boy walked up to me & asked, "Where can I go to take a crap?"

 I showed him where the nearest restroom was located, & he told me "pimping ain't easy, but you make it look easy"

 He probably thought this was some kind of compliment, but I think of pimps as bottom feeding pieces of shit. Thanks for the insult, you fucking asshole!

Thanksgiving at my former place of employment!

 Last year my day off just happened to fall on Thanksgiving. One of my coworkers put in for the day off, but was denied the day off because we were short staff. Instead of asking me to trade days off or just venting, she came up to me and started yelling at me because I'm off & she isn’t. I didn't give a fuck if I had to work or not, I would have gladly traded with her if she wasn’t being such an asshole, tired of her bullshit I turned my back to her and started to walk away when I heard her say, "you don't deserve Thanksgiving off, you are a vegetarian!” Ha!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Harley Garvinson Sleeps With A Woman With A Penis

 A couple of years ago I was talking to Harley Garvinson when he told me he fucked a woman with a penis.  The funny thing about this is that Harley constantly calls me a "faggot" & he constantly questions my manhood!

 Harley went on to explain that, “she sucked me off in the car & we could hardly make it back to my apartment, she was hot!”

 He made sure to mention she was hot many times.

 I asked him if him if he was aware of the penis prior to things getting “hot”, he said, "yeah, but she had big tits"

 He then asked me "is that gay?"

 I shrugged me shoulders and told him, "no"

 He said, "Good, that's why I am only telling you!"

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Why ruin a perfectly good job with unnecessary bullshit?

 Today I had a conversation with one of my friends that is a supervisors about something our Slot Manager told Him.

  My supervisor explains to me that our manager said to him, “I noticed you haven’t been giving out too many write ups lately”.

 My friend said back to him, “yeah, I know! I haven’t had to”.

 Our manager then says, “I’m not telling you to bully your employees, but maybe you should focus more on their faults”

 My friend then paused & said to me, “I feel like when I’m working here, I’m not being true to myself!”

 Motherfucker!  Neither am I! 

Voting With My Racist (former) Supervisor

 Last night I overheard my supervisor Harley Garvinson telling one of my coworkers,” I was in line, about to vote for Obama, but then I noticed three Mexicans in line in front of me. You know how they are gonna vote? So I decided to vote for Romney”.

 Obviously this happened a while ago and I am finally getting around to editing and/or posting stories about my former place of employment. For the record I could hardly give a fuck which way he voted... I am a fan of voting for NONE OF THE ABOVE!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

More Adventures Of My Racist (former) Supervisor

 I was sitting in dispatch, dispatching calls when my supervisor walked through the door & asks, “Do you know what kind of neighborhood has three fried chicken places on one corner*?”

 I ignored him hoping he’d go away, I have heard enough grandpa jokes to know that this was one of those racist observations that is supposed to be a joke, but is not really a joke. 

 He blurted out “a Churches, a Popeye’s, & a Kentucky Fried Chicken!”

 I said to him, “I don’t even want to know!”

 He said, “It was like a fucking Snoop Dog video!”

 He then went on about his latest adventure at Larry’s Villa, he explained that it used to be much better when it was just a place for white trash strippers, he was disgusted because now it was a place for, “big black bootie women!”

 My supervisor added, “There were a bunch of black drug dealers watching them!”

 I asked him how he knew they were drug dealers, before he could answer I told him, “Shut the fuck up!”

 He laughed! Sensing I wasn’t offended enough for his liking, he launched into a rant about how he hopes they** hurry up & build an electric fence on the border, “so we can keep those tax evaders out, because they are sucking up all of our resources!”

  I tried to argue his point with my progressive “bullshit”, but he cut me off with an argument to end all arguments, he said, “I know this is true because my mom told me so”

 Yup, this coming from a guy in his 30’s… you’d think he’d learn to think for himself! I love my mom but I take the bullshit she tells me with a grain of salt and a barf bag. I went back to drawing & dispatching calls. My supervisor walked out of the dispatch room satisfied that he offended someone he believed to be a democrat***. I don’t know if this guy even believes this bullshit or if he says it to piss me off.

*for the record there isn’t three fried chicken places on one corner, there is only one on the corner he is talking about (Vegas Valley DR @ Nellis BLVD)… the Churches is a couple miles south of the Popeye’s & the KFC is a couple of miles north, his racism has clouded his perception, but even if there was three, what would it fucking matter? When I ate meat I thought fried chicken was delicious & would have appreciated the selection of places to choose from.

**they being the Federal Government, the same Federal Government he claims to hate!

***for fucks sake, I am not a Democrat!

More Customer Observations

 The other night I saw a guy with a tattoo on his neck that resembled a lipstick mark presumably left by some hot broad with big tits & an even bigger penis. I did't know the guy. He might have been the first one to ever get this tattoo, but I couldn't help but think about the previous nights at work, for the last few months, & how every night I had at least one douche bag with the same tattoo. They say great minds think alike, but so do douche bags, so that saying ain't saying shit!

Monday, January 13, 2014

An excerpt from my memoir Karl Bakla: A Sri Lankan Success Story

A lot of people assume because I draw penises that I am some kind of sex pervert. The truth is… when I was a baby my mom couldn’t afford a pacifier so she stuck a dildo in my mouth to stop me from crying. Now that I am older I associate penises with comfort & I draw large juicy cocks to help sooth my anxiety.

The Perils Of Black Market Viagra

 A couple of years ago my coworker gave me some black market Viagra, he told me to not take it by myself or it could be little weird, so I took the black market Viagra home and put it away for a special day.

 A few weeks later the person I was planning on giving a fuck to returned from a trip, she called me from the airport, & we made plans to get it on like Donkey Kong. So I popped some black market Viagra and got read to fuck. Before she even got home I had a big strong one.

 When my lady friend finally got to the house she informed me that she was exhausted & that she was going to bed. “Fuck”, I thought to myself, I took this black market Viagra & was explicitly instructed to not take it by myself or it could be a little weird.

 I laid in bed with the biggest & hardest erection that I have had in years. The boner would come & go, my heart started to race, and worst of all I couldn’t sleep, this shit was like speed. I laid in bed desperately trying to sleep, but that damn boner would continually return to haunt me, I wanted it to go away so I could get some sleep, but it wouldn't. I even tried to tucker out the penis with repeated jerk off sessions, but it was pointless the dick didn't want rest. Eventually I fell asleep because I was exhausted from constantly having an erection & I vowed to never take black market Viagra again!

Friday, January 10, 2014

Eaves Dropping On Customers

 I was walking behind two customers the other night when I overheard a vomit inducing conversation.

 Douche Bag #1 "I've been partying for years & it's time to move on to step two, time to have a baby, dawg!"

 Douche Bag #2 "Dawg, that is deep"

My Old Boss Is A Dick Head

 I was writing a note to myself reminding me to write about the time I was attacked while skateboarding down Lamb Blvd when my boss grabbed my note from my hand & asks, “What’s this?”

I told him, “It's a reminder!”

  He looked over my note & asked, “You were attacked while skateboarding?”

 He seemed pleased, and then said to me, “That wouldn’t have happened if you went to school instead of skateboarding”

 I explained to him that I went to school, and then I asked, “What would it matter anyway?”

 He thought for a second & said to me, “You are asking to be picked on by jocks, just by wearing a Ramones T-shirt & riding a skateboard!”

 I was puzzled & thought to myself, “You can’t be serious!” I was also impressed that he knew who the Ramones were, because this exchange happened prior to Rolling Stone Magazine deeming the Ramones listenable.  For the record I was wearing a Mentors T-shirt when the assault occurred.

 I thought about punching him, even though he could have kicked my ass. I ended up trying to ignore him.

 My boss said to me, “I’m going to show you to my son & tell him this is why you shouldn’t be a skateboarder. Better to be a jock throwing the rock at someone, than being a person hit by a rock*.”

 This would have been hilarious if he was joking, but he was dead serious. It was hard for me to speak, my voice was trembling. I asked him “shouldn’t the lesson for your son be that you shouldn’t throw rocks at people?”

 It was obvious that he blew this off as just another one of my absurd hippy, PC, faggot…etc things.

 Reading all this old shit about my former place of employment makes me so happy that I decided to quit 6 months ago.

*this just shows how insensitive this guy is. “Throwing a rock” was referring to the time someone threw a rock at me & nailed me in the back, while I was walking.

Random Acts of Callousness

 I was walking the casino floor, looking for shit to do, when I saw Security running into the women’s restroom… it turned out to be a medical emergency.

Several women tried to enter the restroom, but were politely informed that there was a medical emergency under way & they were given directions to another restroom.

 The women were pissed off & not just visibly annoyed, these woman were voicing how upset they were to be inconvenienced by someone else’s medical emergency.  They huffed, puffed, cursed, & many shared that, “this is ridiculous!” I assume the additional 3 minutes they would have had  to walk to next restroom was too much for them.

Post 9-11 Memories of a coworker I no longer work with

 I was leaving work when a coworker stopped me, he wanted to discuss my Anti-Heros t-shirt. He asked me, “Anti Hero, do you know what that is?”

 I explained to him, “This T-shirt is for the Anti-Heros, they are an awesome punk band!”

 He went on to explain that an Anti-hero is a terrorist & that I am a terrorist for supporting anti-heroes, I laughed & said to him, “whatever” & walked away.

  As I walked to my car, I realized that this guy was genuinely upset about my t-shirt …what a fucking asshole!

Friday, January 3, 2014

Love, Life, and Punk Rock Relationships

 I was driving my mom to work when she says to me, “I have something for you! One of my coworker’s husbands is a truck driver & says it’s great”

 I laugh & ask, “Is it speed?”

 My mom gave me a dirty look, because she didn't share my love of trucker crank humor. It turned out that my mom was talking about a back pain cream that she just happened to have a sample size container of. The container looked like one of those mini jars of Carmex.

 When I got home I decided to try out the back pain cream. As I rubbed the cream onto my lower back I heard a voice, “What the fuck are you doing?”

 It was Bethany, she was across the room drunk with a huge Lil Wayne goblet in her hand filled with red wine.

 I answered back, “hugh?”

 She asked, “Why the fuck are you rubbing Carmex on your ass? Planning for a big night out?

 I told her, “This is a trial size container of back cream”

 Bethany said, “I was starting to think, fuck… I know I have been working a lot of over time lately, when the fuck did this start?”