Friday, October 10, 2014

When Punk Goes Bunk #667

Dirty Rotten Imbeciles – Crossover – Metal Blade Records
 When I got into punk D.R.I. were the biggest band amongst my fellow skate punks, then D.R.I. released Crossover which resulted in everyone and their mother calling them, “sell outs” or saying even worse, “they have gone metal!” The funny thing is, while everyone talked shit about D.R.I. they were still jamming their tunes. Now, when Thrash Zone came out, that killed it for my friends’ relationship with D.R.I. My friends were so “punk” they even hated the corny as fuck, yet awesome tune Thrashhard!

 Maybe I am a poser, but the first time I heard D.R.I. was after I purchased Thrash Zone on cassette @ the Hungry Ear in 1989. I thought Thrash Zone was OK, not horrible. 

 Next time I heard D.R.I. was in 1990 or ’91 when the singer of Puckered Starfish (B.J.) played me their Dirty Rotten cassette. Everything about the first D.R.I. album should have made me love it (it was short, fast, loud!), but at the time I wasn’t too into it. To be fair this is right around the time I got into Husker Du, Mega City Four, the Doughboys, Samiam, & Jawbreaker… not the most hard core time of my life! You can slag D.R.I. all you want for going “metal”, but you will also have to slag me for going “emo”.

 I finally got around to listening to Crossover in ’93 when I found it at Tower Records Outlet (Sacramento) for 49 cents, & I fucking hated it. I listened to it once or twice before giving up on it. For some reason I remembered the album being slow thrash metal with really long songs. Now that I am listening to it 20 or so years later the tunes sounds much faster than I remember and there are only 5 (out of 12) songs that are long as fuck.

 As I drink my beer, reading the Mongols Secret History, & listening to Crossover I realize it is not a bad album at all, but I totally understand why my friends talked so much shit. At the time punks were under constant attack by coke snorting metal heads, that wore Lipservice stretch jeans that wanted to take our nonexistent girlfriends and fuck them. We fucking hated heavy metal, the sound of Dokken or Ratt made us want to kill, hearing traces of metal in bands we loved pissed us off & made us want to barf. We would vomit at the sign of a Warlock guitar, anyone besides Bob Mould that dared to play a Gibson Flying V would be kicked in the nuts! So maybe my friends prematurely ejaculated all over this one, & they should have saved that cum for Thrash Zone. Looking back it’s funny how harsh my friends were towards this album since S.O.D.’s Speaking English or Die & Slayer’s Reign In Blood were favorite’s among our crew, who cares… being absurd is punk!
 Crossover is mostly a metal album, & the playing is a bit slower than Dealing With It, but it still retains the hard core punk riffs people enjoyed on the first LP. As far as metal goes you can certainly do worse & listen to some shit by Megadeth.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Wife Swapping + butt sucking + ass licking + mutual masturbation = GOOD TIME

 Today I was chatting with one of my coworkers, when he started going off about one of our coworkers that is a swinger. He explained to me that Swingers are going to hell & that Swinging is a gate way to homosexuality. I told him that people into group sex aren't necessarily homosexuals. I explained to him that some guys like watching their wives get two in the pink & one in the stink, while getting their dicks sucked. My coworker told me that he doesn't even want to hear about these things because it puts bad thoughts into his head.  He then looked at me & said, “Just because you have an urge doesn't mean you should act on it. Just because someone has an urge to kill doesn't make it OK to murder!” I told him, “Murder & wife swapping are two completely different things. My coworker looked at me like I was crazy.

Friday, October 3, 2014

When Punk Goes Bunk #666

T.S.O.L. – Hit & Run - Enigma Records
I admit I talk about this album quite a bit, it was one of the first “punk” albums I bought with my own money. I was in Jr. High at the time, skipping lunch, & saving up my lunch money to buy whatever punk, thrash, or hard core cassette was waiting at the Hungry Ear (Kailua, Hi). At the time there was no internet to verify if a punk band was still punk, all I knew is that when my fellow skate punks and I discussed music T.S.O.L. was often brought up, I heard the praise of how they were, “punk as fuck!” So, I filed T.S.O.L.’s name away into my memory & planned to pick up one of their releases. Fast forward a few weeks & I was browsing through the Agnostic Front & SNFU tapes at the Hungry Ear, when the Record Store clerk informed me that T.S.O.L.’s latest album just came in & that it was pretty good, the clerk was wearing a Suicidal Tendencies T-shirt so I thought he was legit, turns out he probably never listened to the album. Before I bought the cassette I stared at the cover, something seemed very wrong, but I bought it any way. At the time I didn’t know that punk bands could go shitty, at this point in life I didn’t even know that Family Man by Black Flag existed.
 As I skateboarded around Kailua I popped Hit & Run into my Walk-Man, & I quickly grew disappointed. What I heard was not “punk as fuck” what I heard sucked. I forced myself to listen to the entire tape, hoping for at least one punk tune, but sadly there were none. What I was treated to was a bunch of blues inspired rock that reminded me of the Cult. Fuck, do I hate the Cult. Frustrated that I wasted my lunch money on a piece of shit, I popped the tape out of my Walk-Man & popped in the World Class Punk Cassette, even the shitty songs on that tape (Under The Sun by Warriors Of The Last Day) were fucking awesome!

 When I returned to school, I told one of my poser friends about the T.S.O.L. album I recently purchased, & he told me, “Oh, yeah you got to be careful buying their shit, some of it sucks!” Mother fucker, now this dick tells me. He then told me how he bought an amazing album by some band called the Spermbirds, he said he had no idea who they were, but took the chance on them because they had “sperm” in their name. He raved on about how they didn’t sound like the Cult!

 Over the years I would occasionally give Hit & Run a listen and even found a couple of songs I didn’t hate. The song Hit & Run, was the first to grow on me with its lyrics about getting too drunk & getting too loud! Music wise it was still that blues rock I think sucks, but it was more upbeat & catchy. The second song that grew on me was Sixteen which was a bit heavier than the other songs, & also featured crash & burn lyrics. At times Sixteen reminds me of the Alice Cooper tune I’m Eighteen, barf! The majority of Hit & Run are tracks that could have been out takes for Appetite For Destruction (Guns n Roses… duh!), by the last two tracks T.S.O.L. has given up on even trying to rock out, and they turn things down a notch with the sensitive track, Stay With Me. Judging from the singers admissions earlier in the album the woman he begs to stay has a lot of reasons to leave, at one point in the album he even taunts her with such lines as, “if you don’t like it then don’t hang around”, then he has the nerve to beg her to stay, fuck off douche bag! By the last song, T.S.O.L. is down to just an acoustic guitar & a guy whining that he is filled with sorrow or some shit, fuck off!

When I heard this album, I was so put off by it that I waited 2 (or 3) years before picking up anything else by T.S.O.L. by that time I was a veteran of punk rock, over the hill, & a walking encyclopedia of underground music (I was probably 14). Up to this point I probably lost a good $40 to punk bands that started playing shitty metal & holy fuck was it almost always shitty metal. I got into punk because I hated “good” metal as well as “shitty” metal. So I knew what to look for on a punk record, so when I saw Dance With Me at Odyssey Records (Las Vegas) I knew it was a safe buy. Dance With Me, was the album I was hoping Hit & Run was… I quickly forgave T.S.O.L. and went on to purchase more records by the band, which at times left me more confused than ever.

 Sure Hit & Run is no punk album, but compared to other rock artists at the time such as Krokus, Y & T, Raven, and Triumph, you could have certainly heard worse. If you have heard Change Today or Revenge you could tell they were already heading in this direction. I am sure if you have some uncle who listens to KOMP, you can throw Hit & Run on and he will think it is the perfect jam to smack his wife to. For the record, fuck your uncle & his ties to the KKK. Also for the record I do appreciate your uncle buying us Crazy Horse beer when we were too young to buy it ourselves, sure your uncle thought I was a, “silly beaner” but he still did us a solid, whatever!

 Some may argue that Hit & Run, only features two original members of T.S.O.L. & I would counter argue that those were two original members that should have known better! Also, judging from Cathedral of Tears & Tender Fury it would have made no difference how many original members were still in the band. T.S.O.L. have since reformed into a punk band and now sound like Jack Grisham’s post T.S.O.L. band Joykiller, which is OK with me since I loved their Static LP.

 Well, I am drunk as fuck & I will now attempt to listen to Grave New World by Discharge, or a newer Misfits LP…

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Infidelity or so the crazy lady claims...

 I was ten years old, minding my own business, when my mom came out from nowhere, & started yelling at me. She wasn't really yelling at me, she was screaming in my direction about my dad.

 While my mom was screaming she was holding a phonebook (the Yellow Pages). You can tell this happened long time ago, because technology has made phonebooks obsolete.

 At some point in the screaming my mom challenged me to find a restaurant, that doesn't have a women working at it that my dad hasn't slept with. She flipped through the pages screaming, pointing at listings, & rhetorically kept saying, "nope not this one".

 I felt bad for my mom & if my dad was having an affair I figured that was pretty fucked up, but I didn't really think I was the right person to receive this information. I don't know if my dad cheated on my mom or not, I’ll take her word for it, but if my Dad cheated on my mom with all of these waitresses, then he was like Wilt Chamberlain. Fuck, my mom only brought up restaurant workers, there is a whole other world of careers my dad may have slept with.

 I sat on the sofa while my mom went off.  At the end of her scream fest she threw the phone book at me. I held up my arms to block the phone book & it fell on to the ground.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Bend Over And Spell Run!

 When I was in the sixth grade one of my classmates dared me to bend over & spell “run”, not thinking I bent over & barked out, “R-U-N”.

 While saying, “Are you in?” the kid that dared me came behind me, grabbed my hips, & simulated butt fucking me.

 I have yet to recover from this. 

Monday, May 12, 2014

the UFC has fucked shit up for nerds

 There was a time that if a bunch of Alpha Betas or dicks from the Cobra Kai Dojo fucked with you, that you had two options available.

 First Option, you could have used your knowledge of technology to outwit the dim wits & devised a plan that would have made the jocks sorry that they ever screwed with a bunch of twerps. Not any more, manipulated by greed a few elite nerds (sell outs) who can afford their own private security staff, have made technology affordable and assessable to people that only think with their pp. In the palm of their hand (the one they are not jerking off with) is a phone that puts Commodore 64 to shame.

 Thinking about dazzling the pants off of the young ladies with your Keytar? When Frat Boys aren’t busy researching how to procure GHB on their phones, they have several Apps that allow them to make music. You think your Devo inspired rap hybrid is hella dope? Well, Mr. Jock Asshole has created a song with the help of his iPhone that is a mix of the Dave Mathews Band & Disturbed, & it’s sure to get him laid.

 Second Option, you could have gone to your nearest martial arts studio, dojo, or your apartment complex’s handyman (that is most probably a pedophile) & learned how to defend yourself with martial arts, but now a days that would do more harm than good.

 You might think you are a bad ass trying to defend yourself by doing the crane kick to someone that just “pants’d” you, but if you try that shit now, not only will your pants be around your ankles, but your kick will be countered with a combo of kick boxing, Taekwondo, Krava Maga, Grappling, Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, Singhalese Bar Brawling & a right hook to your balls.

 There was a time when a jock’s knowledge of Asian culture revolved around slant-eye jokes & Asian “pussy” and how they are horizontal. Not anymore, the popularity of the UFC has made it so that Martial Arts is no longer “faggot” shit.

 Sadly, unlike Mr.Miyagi, jocks don’t show any restraint, because showing restraint means you are a “fag” or a “pussy” & that won’t get you laid. As for mercy, the only mercy a dickhead will show you is Mercy General Hospital, & you’ll be sent there with a smashed face, bruised butt, & a broke dick. When it comes to people with a date rape mentality there is no surrender, your Karate Kid moves are no match for a rage-a-holic that is fueled with energy drinks and the thoughts of a father that never hugged him.

 Bouncing Bobby Hill from Arlen, TX has suggested kicking these bullies in the nuts, which would stop them from producing more larva. Lewis Skolnick of Adams College believes dressing up like Darth Vadar & tricking a cheerleader into believing you are her boyfriend, so she will fuck you is the way, but in the real world that would result in a rape conviction & some serious time at the High Desert State Prison.

 As for myself I don’t believe that there are any simple solutions. Punk Rock, once a haven for Jock hate is now full of Monday Night Football watching fucks that can’t wait to suck a corporate dick or clit. Gilbert Lowell one time leader of the Jock Resistance Front now does research & development for a major military contractor, when asked why he didn’t renew his subscription to Maximum Rock ‘n Roll he replied, “if you're not a rebel by the age of 20, you got no heart, but if you haven't turned establishment by 30, you've got no brains”.

 It’s my belief that our only hope is to use jocks’ homophobia & “Man” issues against them, we must convince them that being mean is “hella gay” & “totally for pussies”. Douche Bags don’t care about our feelings, but they are insecure and they have a need for us to recognize that their truck has nuts hanging from the back. They need us to know that they are top dog. They need us to know that they are 100% hetro. They need us to know that empathy is for the “pussies” & people with vaginas. They need us to know that they are a “real” man. Fuck that bullshit, I think we need to cut off their trucks nuts & force feed it to them.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Eep Opp Ork Ah Ah!!!!!

 Today a woman was hitting on me & I couldn't help but think, “gross!” I didn't think the woman was gross, I thought I was gross & I thought anyone who would want to bone down with a gross guy was gross as well. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

There is an asshole in my neighborhood that drives a pick-up truck with a bumper sticker that reads, “Vegetarian, old Indian word meaning poor hunter”.

 As a vegetarian I’m not offended by this sticker, because it does me a huge favor, it lets me know without meeting the guy, that this fuckkk probably enjoys vanilla sex, thinks pepper is too spicy, & is reluctantly voting for Mitt “the Dick” Romney because there isn't a more conservative presidential candidate.

 As someone who hates liars, I take offence that this mother fucker has the nerve to suggest to the world that he gives a fuck what Native Americans think or what they call something. Fuck this guy!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

A morning stroll down Winterwood

 This morning on my walk, I smelled a strong spray paint odor; I looked in the direction of where the smell was coming from & in the middle of someone's yard was a white cat that looked miserable. It was apparent that someone spray-painted their tag on the side of the cat. The cat's paws had blue paint smudges all over it. It also looked like someone gave the cat a quick squirt of paint to its head. I instantly became furious.

I could only imagine how difficult it would have been to spray paint a cat, why someone would waste so much energy to do something so cruel is beyond me. If I knew which future serial killer did this, I'd love to have smashed a brick into their face.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Dispatches from the East Side!

 A couple of years ago the police raided a house on the East Side of Las Vegas, but don’t feel bad for the people, they were pieces of shit. These fucks were having dog & cock fights in their home, but the funny thing about this story is that this wasn’t even the most serious charge. These folks were running an underground restaurant & didn't have any permits to operate it. It makes me wonder if they were cooking the animals that lost, or was that too barbaric for them?

 When discussing this news story with a coworker (& fellow East Sider) I was explained that it’s just a cultural difference, when I told him that the news article makes no mention of race or a specific culture, I was dismissed as being crazy. I was amazed anyone would defend this kind of behavior or try to rationalize it, but then I remembered this is the coworker that told me that woman in America talk too much & where he is from woman watch their mouth because they know there is a chance a man will smack them.

  I have a love/hate relationship with Sunrise Manor & the people mentioned above are a classic example of what I hate about it… with that said fuck people that are into animal fighting, that shit is fucking sick! I don’t give a fuck if it is a “cultural difference”, fuck you if you are into it & fuck any culture that finds it acceptable!

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Viva Las Vegas!

 Yesterday I was patrolling the casino for guests in distress when I heard a loud bang, followed by several customers screaming for help. I ran over to the sound & found a woman having a seizure; the loud bang was an elderly woman falling off of her chair & hitting her head against a pillar. I grabbed my radio to call for medical assistance, while I was attempting to do this an asshole gets in my face & says “I need help with my slot machine, I want it shut down so I can go to the show”.

 I motioned to the medical situation happening in front of us & told the asshole that I was trying to call for help. The asshole tells me, “Yeah, I know! I saw it happen!”

 I get back on the radio & told the dispatcher where I needed medical, when I was done calling for help I attempted to secure the area so no one could walk through, but the asshole was still standing there, she said to me, “ OK, you are done calling for help, come over to my machine so I can go to the show”.

 I tried to plead with the asshole, by explaining to her that I’d head over to her slot machine when I was done. The asshole wouldn’t budge, she was in my face bugging out about wanting to go to the show, I looked at my watch, and it was 40 minutes till the show started. I couldn’t believe I was even having this discussion with a customer, while another customer was having a seizure less than a foot away. I told the asshole, “Mam, I can’t have this discussion with you right now!”

 When the first EMT arrived, the asshole told me, “ok you can go now, help has arrived”.

 I told the asshole, “I have to make sure no one walks through here”.

 The asshole rhetorically asks me, “Oh it takes two of you to do this?”

 At this point several officers showed up & the asshole gladly informs me that I can leave now.

 When I get to the asshole’s slot machine, she tells me once again that she wants her slot machine shut down so she can go to the show. She can tell I am visibly disappointed in her & she tries to justify her intolerable behavior, I tell her nothing. I am disgusted in myself for not telling this worthless piece of shit to fuck off. The asshole has 37 minutes to get to her fucking show. Fuck her, I hope the show sucks!

The nice thing about knowing people on the East Side is that they also experience weird things…

 Recently at the PT’s Pub on Nellis and Sahara my buddy was drinking well into morning when he found a nice young woman that agreed to go home with him & do whatever it is that two drunk individuals do. The assumed finger-banging & possible fucking is not what makes this story an East Side issue, what makes it noteworthy is that when my friend woke up the next day he found his new friend gone, but in her place was a fresh human shit on his sofa!

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Raising Kids on the East Side...

 Today in my neighborhood I saw a fat fuck kid (I am guessing he was under 5 feet tall & 200 pounds), he walked by me smiling, holding a Happy Meal in one hand & a Carmel McCafé Frappé in the other. I immediately became sad for the child because I knew that by the time he was old enough to fuck that Type 2 Diabetes will have left him with a limp dick & other health issues.

I love the Yuppie Pricks song Hummer in my Hummer!

 Today I rode my bicycle past Las Vegas high school & I saw an orange colored Hummer parked across two parking spots. The sight of this gas guzzler made me let off a sigh of relief, because for a brief moment I was worried that the next generation of adults wouldn’t be douche bags.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

More Childhood Memories...

 My dad once said in total frustration, “I have one kid that is a fucking hippie, one that is a fucking punk rocker, & another, I don’t know what the fuck he is, he is most probably a faggot!”

  I’m pretty sure that when my dad said “punk rocker” he was talking about me...

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Today on the East Side...

…the Mormons tried to come to my house to spread the "good" word. I probably would have been polite & told them, "sorry groovy dudes, not interested", but before that could happen my dog chased them & they ran for their life. Bethany apologized to them, but I didn't. I called my dog back to the door, petted him, & said loudly so the missionaries could hear, "good dog!"

My Ottie & Me...

 Yesterday my dog Ottie did the raddest thing, he lifted his leg like he was gonna take a piss on my neighbor’s wall, but instead a turd dropped out!

Monday, February 3, 2014

Here Is A Money Saving Tip, Instead of Eating a Hotdog, Eat A Dick!

 Yesterday* several of my coworkers gave me some advice, "something you should never buy new is music!"

 When my first coworker told me to never buy new music, I explained to him that I usually buy vinyl (records) or music from touring bands.  I went on to explain that I like to keep my money in the punk rock community & I like supporting touring punk bands. For once one of my coworkers seemed to get it, but I’m sure he still thought I was dumb.

 Fast forward to the end of my shift & I’m sitting in my car thinking, "Wow, several coworkers have told me to never buy music new". I quickly forgot about all the advice my coworkers gave me & focused on my commute home.

 When I got home, I ripped open a beer, & headed to the shower. I drank the beer in the shower while I thought about how much I hate my job. When I got out of the shower I got dressed & headed to the fridge for another beer. With my beer in hand I headed to the computer to check my emails, before I could see who emailed me I was greeted with a Yahoo “news” story about how to save money, one of the tips “don’t ever buy music new”. Motherfuckers!

*this happened a few years ago!

More Notes From My Former Place of Employment!

The other day I was at work wishing someone would shoot me, when some lady from Thailand shoved five dollars down the front of my pants.  I found this to be a bit odd for two reasons, first I'm not an exotic dancer & second because I'm a fat unattractive man.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Tip Compliance

 Let me preface this by stating I find it acceptable to not tip me, I am not bitter & I don’t treat a customer like shit on future encounters if on previous encounters they “stiff’d” me…

 So, today I am paying some guy a $16,500 jackpot, I get the guy to sign all the required paperwork, I reset the customer’s slot machine, & before I walk off I tell the guest, “good luck, I’ll see you shortly to do this again!”

 Before I can walk off, the guest stops me & says, “I would tip you, but Obama is getting enough of my money!”

 Fuck off, motherfucker....

Monday, January 27, 2014

I love the band Spitting On Cops, I dislike spitting on cocks

 I guess I shouldn't have been put off since my penis would have been covered in her saliva anyway, but when she pulled out my cock and spit on it, I couldn't have help but think “what in the hell is goin’ on?”
 She then attempted to put my cock in her mouth, but I was not having any of this shit! For one thing spitting is gross & very degrading, I know white people get off on being degraded because controlling the world is exhausting or some shit, but to quote my dad, “I don’t like that shit!” Second, people who get sex tips from porn are lame, I assume this is what having sex with my male coworkers is like, they spit on their hands, rub them together like Mr. Miyagi, rub the saliva on their wives vagina, then proceed  to dip their gross penises into their poor wives pussy. Gag me with a spoon!

 I pulled my cock back & thought to myself, “I’ll give you my cock when you pry it from my cold, dead hand!”

 I didn't even need to make up an excuse why I couldn't fuck, because my cock shriveled up. She got mad at me for having a broke dick. Even though she was starting to be a bit mean, I lied & told her I was nervous. She didn't give a fuck what my excuse was, I went down on her to shut her up, but that back fired because it got me all excited. Nice and hard, we then proceeded to have sex.

 After having sex we dozed off, when we woke up she asked me to go down on her, as I was going down on her, she started to pull my hair & asked, “Do you like the taste of your dick?”

“Jesus Christ” I thought to myself, but for the record, “Yes I do!” 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Thanks For The Advise, Fuck You and Your God!

 When you get laid off it's not much comfort when someone tells you, "it’s part of God's plan".

 It's even less comforting when the same person goes on to explain that you should, "put it into God's hands".

 What the fuck does this even mean? Am I supposed to sit at home get drunk, listen to punk rock records, eat burritos, & wait for a job to magically appear while God pays my bills?

 Sometimes I wish well-meaning religious people would just save the bullshit for themselves. 

Help A Man Out, He Gotta Crap!

 One night at work some frat boy walked up to me & asked, "Where can I go to take a crap?"

 I showed him where the nearest restroom was located, & he told me "pimping ain't easy, but you make it look easy"

 He probably thought this was some kind of compliment, but I think of pimps as bottom feeding pieces of shit. Thanks for the insult, you fucking asshole!

Thanksgiving at my former place of employment!

 Last year my day off just happened to fall on Thanksgiving. One of my coworkers put in for the day off, but was denied the day off because we were short staff. Instead of asking me to trade days off or just venting, she came up to me and started yelling at me because I'm off & she isn’t. I didn't give a fuck if I had to work or not, I would have gladly traded with her if she wasn’t being such an asshole, tired of her bullshit I turned my back to her and started to walk away when I heard her say, "you don't deserve Thanksgiving off, you are a vegetarian!” Ha!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Harley Garvinson Sleeps With A Woman With A Penis

 A couple of years ago I was talking to Harley Garvinson when he told me he fucked a woman with a penis.  The funny thing about this is that Harley constantly calls me a "faggot" & he constantly questions my manhood!

 Harley went on to explain that, “she sucked me off in the car & we could hardly make it back to my apartment, she was hot!”

 He made sure to mention she was hot many times.

 I asked him if him if he was aware of the penis prior to things getting “hot”, he said, "yeah, but she had big tits"

 He then asked me "is that gay?"

 I shrugged me shoulders and told him, "no"

 He said, "Good, that's why I am only telling you!"

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Why ruin a perfectly good job with unnecessary bullshit?

 Today I had a conversation with one of my friends that is a supervisors about something our Slot Manager told Him.

  My supervisor explains to me that our manager said to him, “I noticed you haven’t been giving out too many write ups lately”.

 My friend said back to him, “yeah, I know! I haven’t had to”.

 Our manager then says, “I’m not telling you to bully your employees, but maybe you should focus more on their faults”

 My friend then paused & said to me, “I feel like when I’m working here, I’m not being true to myself!”

 Motherfucker!  Neither am I! 

Voting With My Racist (former) Supervisor

 Last night I overheard my supervisor Harley Garvinson telling one of my coworkers,” I was in line, about to vote for Obama, but then I noticed three Mexicans in line in front of me. You know how they are gonna vote? So I decided to vote for Romney”.

 Obviously this happened a while ago and I am finally getting around to editing and/or posting stories about my former place of employment. For the record I could hardly give a fuck which way he voted... I am a fan of voting for NONE OF THE ABOVE!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

More Adventures Of My Racist (former) Supervisor

 I was sitting in dispatch, dispatching calls when my supervisor walked through the door & asks, “Do you know what kind of neighborhood has three fried chicken places on one corner*?”

 I ignored him hoping he’d go away, I have heard enough grandpa jokes to know that this was one of those racist observations that is supposed to be a joke, but is not really a joke. 

 He blurted out “a Churches, a Popeye’s, & a Kentucky Fried Chicken!”

 I said to him, “I don’t even want to know!”

 He said, “It was like a fucking Snoop Dog video!”

 He then went on about his latest adventure at Larry’s Villa, he explained that it used to be much better when it was just a place for white trash strippers, he was disgusted because now it was a place for, “big black bootie women!”

 My supervisor added, “There were a bunch of black drug dealers watching them!”

 I asked him how he knew they were drug dealers, before he could answer I told him, “Shut the fuck up!”

 He laughed! Sensing I wasn’t offended enough for his liking, he launched into a rant about how he hopes they** hurry up & build an electric fence on the border, “so we can keep those tax evaders out, because they are sucking up all of our resources!”

  I tried to argue his point with my progressive “bullshit”, but he cut me off with an argument to end all arguments, he said, “I know this is true because my mom told me so”

 Yup, this coming from a guy in his 30’s… you’d think he’d learn to think for himself! I love my mom but I take the bullshit she tells me with a grain of salt and a barf bag. I went back to drawing & dispatching calls. My supervisor walked out of the dispatch room satisfied that he offended someone he believed to be a democrat***. I don’t know if this guy even believes this bullshit or if he says it to piss me off.

*for the record there isn’t three fried chicken places on one corner, there is only one on the corner he is talking about (Vegas Valley DR @ Nellis BLVD)… the Churches is a couple miles south of the Popeye’s & the KFC is a couple of miles north, his racism has clouded his perception, but even if there was three, what would it fucking matter? When I ate meat I thought fried chicken was delicious & would have appreciated the selection of places to choose from.

**they being the Federal Government, the same Federal Government he claims to hate!

***for fucks sake, I am not a Democrat!

More Customer Observations

 The other night I saw a guy with a tattoo on his neck that resembled a lipstick mark presumably left by some hot broad with big tits & an even bigger penis. I did't know the guy. He might have been the first one to ever get this tattoo, but I couldn't help but think about the previous nights at work, for the last few months, & how every night I had at least one douche bag with the same tattoo. They say great minds think alike, but so do douche bags, so that saying ain't saying shit!

Monday, January 13, 2014

An excerpt from my memoir Karl Bakla: A Sri Lankan Success Story

A lot of people assume because I draw penises that I am some kind of sex pervert. The truth is… when I was a baby my mom couldn’t afford a pacifier so she stuck a dildo in my mouth to stop me from crying. Now that I am older I associate penises with comfort & I draw large juicy cocks to help sooth my anxiety.

The Perils Of Black Market Viagra

 A couple of years ago my coworker gave me some black market Viagra, he told me to not take it by myself or it could be little weird, so I took the black market Viagra home and put it away for a special day.

 A few weeks later the person I was planning on giving a fuck to returned from a trip, she called me from the airport, & we made plans to get it on like Donkey Kong. So I popped some black market Viagra and got read to fuck. Before she even got home I had a big strong one.

 When my lady friend finally got to the house she informed me that she was exhausted & that she was going to bed. “Fuck”, I thought to myself, I took this black market Viagra & was explicitly instructed to not take it by myself or it could be a little weird.

 I laid in bed with the biggest & hardest erection that I have had in years. The boner would come & go, my heart started to race, and worst of all I couldn’t sleep, this shit was like speed. I laid in bed desperately trying to sleep, but that damn boner would continually return to haunt me, I wanted it to go away so I could get some sleep, but it wouldn't. I even tried to tucker out the penis with repeated jerk off sessions, but it was pointless the dick didn't want rest. Eventually I fell asleep because I was exhausted from constantly having an erection & I vowed to never take black market Viagra again!

Friday, January 10, 2014

Eaves Dropping On Customers

 I was walking behind two customers the other night when I overheard a vomit inducing conversation.

 Douche Bag #1 "I've been partying for years & it's time to move on to step two, time to have a baby, dawg!"

 Douche Bag #2 "Dawg, that is deep"

My Old Boss Is A Dick Head

 I was writing a note to myself reminding me to write about the time I was attacked while skateboarding down Lamb Blvd when my boss grabbed my note from my hand & asks, “What’s this?”

I told him, “It's a reminder!”

  He looked over my note & asked, “You were attacked while skateboarding?”

 He seemed pleased, and then said to me, “That wouldn’t have happened if you went to school instead of skateboarding”

 I explained to him that I went to school, and then I asked, “What would it matter anyway?”

 He thought for a second & said to me, “You are asking to be picked on by jocks, just by wearing a Ramones T-shirt & riding a skateboard!”

 I was puzzled & thought to myself, “You can’t be serious!” I was also impressed that he knew who the Ramones were, because this exchange happened prior to Rolling Stone Magazine deeming the Ramones listenable.  For the record I was wearing a Mentors T-shirt when the assault occurred.

 I thought about punching him, even though he could have kicked my ass. I ended up trying to ignore him.

 My boss said to me, “I’m going to show you to my son & tell him this is why you shouldn’t be a skateboarder. Better to be a jock throwing the rock at someone, than being a person hit by a rock*.”

 This would have been hilarious if he was joking, but he was dead serious. It was hard for me to speak, my voice was trembling. I asked him “shouldn’t the lesson for your son be that you shouldn’t throw rocks at people?”

 It was obvious that he blew this off as just another one of my absurd hippy, PC, faggot…etc things.

 Reading all this old shit about my former place of employment makes me so happy that I decided to quit 6 months ago.

*this just shows how insensitive this guy is. “Throwing a rock” was referring to the time someone threw a rock at me & nailed me in the back, while I was walking.

Random Acts of Callousness

 I was walking the casino floor, looking for shit to do, when I saw Security running into the women’s restroom… it turned out to be a medical emergency.

Several women tried to enter the restroom, but were politely informed that there was a medical emergency under way & they were given directions to another restroom.

 The women were pissed off & not just visibly annoyed, these woman were voicing how upset they were to be inconvenienced by someone else’s medical emergency.  They huffed, puffed, cursed, & many shared that, “this is ridiculous!” I assume the additional 3 minutes they would have had  to walk to next restroom was too much for them.

Post 9-11 Memories of a coworker I no longer work with

 I was leaving work when a coworker stopped me, he wanted to discuss my Anti-Heros t-shirt. He asked me, “Anti Hero, do you know what that is?”

 I explained to him, “This T-shirt is for the Anti-Heros, they are an awesome punk band!”

 He went on to explain that an Anti-hero is a terrorist & that I am a terrorist for supporting anti-heroes, I laughed & said to him, “whatever” & walked away.

  As I walked to my car, I realized that this guy was genuinely upset about my t-shirt …what a fucking asshole!

Friday, January 3, 2014

Love, Life, and Punk Rock Relationships

 I was driving my mom to work when she says to me, “I have something for you! One of my coworker’s husbands is a truck driver & says it’s great”

 I laugh & ask, “Is it speed?”

 My mom gave me a dirty look, because she didn't share my love of trucker crank humor. It turned out that my mom was talking about a back pain cream that she just happened to have a sample size container of. The container looked like one of those mini jars of Carmex.

 When I got home I decided to try out the back pain cream. As I rubbed the cream onto my lower back I heard a voice, “What the fuck are you doing?”

 It was Bethany, she was across the room drunk with a huge Lil Wayne goblet in her hand filled with red wine.

 I answered back, “hugh?”

 She asked, “Why the fuck are you rubbing Carmex on your ass? Planning for a big night out?

 I told her, “This is a trial size container of back cream”

 Bethany said, “I was starting to think, fuck… I know I have been working a lot of over time lately, when the fuck did this start?”