Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Fucking !!!SLAYER!!!

 The other day I saw Slayer play, when I went to the bathroom a guy using the urinal next to me offered me a joint, I politely declined, then I focused my attention on the task at hand, emptying my bowels. While I was filled with thoughts of, "ahhhh", I started hearing people yell, "he's a fucking cop". I felt all of the Heshian's eyes on me, so I broke the gentleman's agreement & looked at the other people making pp, they were all looking at me and calling me a, "fucking cop!" I focused on making pp as fast as possible, but it seemed like I had a lifetime worth of pp in me. The last thing I wanted was to be beaten up while making pp, eventually I escaped from the bathroom, but on my way to the bar I over heard a guy say, "If I see Obama in the pit, I am gonna get him!"

 I returned to my date & told her, "I think I will stick to going to punk rock shows!"

 How was Slayer? It was good for the first 20 or 30 minutes then they wouldn't stop playing,

That Dick Was Trick Rolled

 Recently some guy who works security told me about something called trick rolling. He told me “it is a real problem”.  For those not in the know, a trick roll is when a prostitute agrees to suck the nut juice out of your cock for a fee, but instead of paying for a quick nut the working girl robs you. Maybe I am a dick, but I don’t find this to be a “real problem”, I find this to be fucking funny.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Dumb Shit I Heard At Work #Googolplexian, "respect is something that is earned, not given"

 When someone tells me, "respect is something that is earned, not given" I just assume the person is a fucking asshole or a dip shit that repeats dumb shit some other dip shit (presumably a lazy parent) has said to them. I also assume these people mistake the word "respect" with the word "trust".

Great Moments In Punk Rock #614,502,031

 I love to get drunk, I love to read, & I love to go to punk rock shows, this has created a problem for me, I have many memories where I am not sure If I experienced them, someone else experienced them and told me about them, or I read about it while taking a spicy steamer. This would be one of those stories…

 Sometime in the 90’s I saw Fugazi play, it was either at the Huntridge Theatre (or somewhere in California), & some asshole in the audience throws a plain blue pocket T-shirt on stage, Ian MacKaye picks up the shirt & analyses it & says, “I like this, it is plain, functional & has a pocket to hold something, I am gonna keep this”, ha, punk rock! Just imagine that with the sweat pants we were talking about earlier this week!

 Now you may argue whether Fugazi is punk or not, well it doesn’t matter because if you think they are not punk, you are a dick & I don’t argue with something I prefer in my hand, mouth, &/or butt! Put a dick in each hand and I can go skiing!

 If you happen to know if I experienced this or not, don’t bother telling me, because I remember it fondly.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Don't ask your kids about school because you care, do it because it is funny

 Today I picked up my oldest daughter from school & asked her how her day was, usually her response is, “meh”, but today she started cracking up. She explained to me that she has a teacher that is a total creep & super smelly. While my daughter was in class, the kid sitting next to her jumped up and charged at the teacher, then sprayed him with Old Spice: Swagger Body Spray. The teacher drug the kid out of the class and barked at him, “why did you do that?”

 The kid’s reply, “because you stink!”

Monday, October 21, 2013

 Many years ago I ran into a woman that looked like Cybill Shepard, she was turned on by the fact that I looked like a Samiam listening Erik Estrada, so she pulled me into the woman’s restroom and demanded I cum on her tits. Being a young pervert I obliged & I jerked off standing up which is something I dislike intensely. When I eventually spermed on her breasts, I looked at them with the sense of victory and thought, “hell yeah!” She then grabbed the back of my head & barked at me, “stop being a pussy and lick your cum off of my tits!” Before I could think, she pushed my faced into her sperm covered tits, & as expected I lapped up every last drop. I learned a lot that day, which is that I have no shame.

Today, I Met My Future Wife...

 So I am at work, walking around looking for slot machines to service and trying to not let the layer of butt sweat bother me, when I walk up on a woman at a slot machine that could best be described as a drunken mess. I ask the woman, “Hello, is there anything I can help you with?”

 Here response was, “I need a dick, a big one”

 I let off a sigh and said back, “me too”

 She then told me, “If you weren't such a big fag, I’d take you up to my room and fuck yah”

 I let off a laugh and said, “It’s a shame, I don’t have a big dick”

 She then informed me, "you look like you wouldn't have a big dick!"

 At this point I got offended & a bit worried that another customer was listening to this exchange. So I walked off and looked at my watch, 8:05 AM & the drunk assholes are already in the casino.

Monday, October 14, 2013

I have known some fucked up people

 When I was in the band the Red Raspy Rubber Company our singer Jason informed me that he once fucked a sheep, when I asked him why he did this, he explained to me that the sheep’s vagina kept staring at him to the point where he couldn't fight the urge to fuck it… I assume this has a lot to do with me becoming a vegetarian… Last time I saw Jason he was on the Geraldo Rivera Show, or some shit.

Friday, October 11, 2013

David Letterman, White Power?

 Sometime in the early 90’s I saw DI play at the Cattle Club (Sacramento, CA). In attendance were a group of Nazi Skinheads, when they weren't yelling for “Nuclear Funeral” to be played, they were shouting, “White Power” &, “Sieg Heil”, which was usually accompanied with a Nazi salute.

 At one point between songs, Casey Royer said into the mic, “I like Arsenio Hall, it’s not a white thing, or a black thing, it’s a night thing”.  This enraged the Nazis so much that they began to act increasingly violent & chants of “David Letterman, White Power” came from the crowd. Whipped up into a frenzy, the nauseating Nazis could no longer resist their urge to beat me up, so they did.

There is a Tenement's song called Simple Things that has a line that goes…

“I’d love to run my fingers through your greasy hair”

 To be honest with you, the thought of that is completely disgusting to me. I don’t care if I am on a date with a man or woman, being gross isn't punk or even exotic, it’s a turn off.

 Speaking of turn offs, many years ago (1991?) when I went on “dates” & I wasn't fat, old, & gross, I took a young woman out on a date, I don’t really remember what we did or where we went, but I do remember her telling me that she loved the band the Red Hot Chili Peppers, then she went off on a tangent about how she hates blacks & Mexicans.

 I jokingly, but not jokingly told her, “I don’t think Anthony Kiedis would agree”.

 Her reaction to this was to sing, “Passion dripping from the coyote’s eyes, he can taste his blood, and blood never lies, pale face die, true men don’t kill coyotes!”

 I thought to myself, “holy fuck!”

 After our date, I took her home & told her that I didn't wish to see her again.

 She told me, “if you come in, I’ll make you a grilled cheese sandwich, give you a Nitzer Ebb tape, & let you sleep with me”.

 Even though the offer was tempting, I declined, but not out of some sort of sense of wrong or right, I declined because this whole situation was weird.

 Later that week, she called me on the phone and said that her step sister and her, wanted me to come over, and make out with them. The offer was tempting, but something told me that this was the kind of situation that would end up getting me killed & I didn't want the song Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order playing at my funeral.

 A few months passed and she called me out of the blue, she told me that she had slept with one of my friends & that his pp was bigger than mine. I found this strange because we kissed a few times, but it never got to point where she could measure my cock. Even stranger I had P.E. with the guy, so I knew she was right about his penis.

 This was the first, but not the last time in my life that someone that I took on a date would correctly accuse me of having a little pp. From time to time I run into this woman, she is now conservative, a mother, and hates Obama or some shit.