Thursday, December 26, 2013

Dixie Chick

 She was off in the corner of the casino sitting in her mobility scooter, playing video poker, & smoking a cigarette. Beside her was an oxygen tank feeding oxygen into her nose. Her name was Dixie.

  I started my shift by walking to my assigned area & noticing Dixie’s change light was on, so I walked over to her and mistakenly asked, “Is there anything I can help you with?”

 Dixie immediately went off on a tirade, “You can get me my $200 back!”

 I asked, “What $200?”

 She yelled at me, “The one you stole from me!”

 I explained to her that I didn’t take her money. After ten minutes of her going off on me, I figured out what Dixie was bitching about.

 Dixie was playing a $1 video poker machine where you can bet up to 5 credits per hands. Unfortunately for her, she mistakenly bet 1 credit & wound up hitting a 4 of a kind. A 4 of a kind pays $250 if you bet five credits or $50 if you bet one credit.

 House rules, it’s your responsibility to make sure your bet is registered before you play a hand, & malfunctions void all pay outs, but Dixie plays a lot, so the casino should have just paid her to shut her up! For fuck sake, they would have got the money back in a matter of minutes, in the end the casino spent more on labor dealing with her, & other customers didn’t get the customer service they needed, but what do I know? I am an alcoholic & a failed punk rock musician.

 The misplayed hand happened at 5:30am, that’s four & a half hours before I even started my shift.

 I later learned that every 30 minutes before I walked on the floor she was hitting the change light asking for her $200, screaming at any slot floor person or cocktail server that happened to walk by. She repeatedly asked for a supervisor or manager, but they told her they were through talking to her, so they never came when she demanded one. I am surprised she kept playing, if I was in her situation and I felt ripped off. I would have stopped feeding my money into the slot machine. If the management refused to “deal with me”, I would have told them to, “eat a dick!”

 For the rest of the day Dixie would call me over and yell at, threaten, or insult me. Dixie even went as far as threaten to come back at a later date to beat up one of my coworkers. I was now frustrated at my employer, I shouldn’t have had to put up with this shit, but middle management doesn’t care, I am disposable & stupid me sticks around.

 At one point in the day, Dixie even accused me of being the employee who first helped her at 5:30 in the morning. She demanded that I tell the truth about ripping her off. Fuck, I was probably still drinking at the time of the incident!

 Every time Dixie called me over she would say, “I’m never playing here again” or some bullshit along those lines. I would stand there quietly, listening, sweating out the previous night’s booze, hoping that she’d, “show us” & go play elsewhere… she never did, she remained at the same video poker machine, pumping thousands of dollars into it.

 I kept explaining to Dixie that there was nothing I could do, I explained to her that management was through discussing the issue with her, but she kept going off on me. All day long she’d call me over to yell at me about the $200. After a while, I just avoided her & never came by. I eventually told my boss that I refuse to deal with her, he told me, “Fuck her!” 

 I ended my day, and walked off the casino floor relieved to be through with Dixie, I drove home frustrated, promising to buy myself some beer.

 24 hours later, I was hung over & Dixie was still off in the corner, sitting in her mobility scooter, playing the same video poker machine, smoking a cigarette & bitching about the $200.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

I don't Have Moves Like Jagger, and Fuck Anyone Besides Mick Jagger That Does...

 Many years ago my old boss sat me down and told me, “Karl, unlike a lot of the other employees you have the potential to succeed, but for some reason you choose not to”


 Fuck this guy, I have succeeded... to me success is using up all of my sick days to do fun shit like eat Thai food with my daughters, sitting on the patio reading, convincing Bethany to join me in a work ditch day, & getting an early start on tonight's drinking binge.

If I Write A Song About You Don't Take It As A Joke...

  I had my face inside of a slot machine, doing some minor repairs when I hear a man’s voice bark at me, “Rest blah, blah, blah”

 I wasn’t too sure if the voice said “restroom” or “restaurant”, When you have a radio in one ear, & lots of casino noise to compete with, it can be difficult to hear what some asshole has to say. I say to the customer “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Do you mind repeating that?”

 He did mind. I was stared at as if I was stupid & then the old fuck barks, “Restaurant!”

 I ask the guest, “the buffet or the coffee shop?”

 I could hear the agitation in the old man’s voice, “RESTAURANT! – a place where you get food”

 I say back to the old fuck, “I know what a restaurant is!”

 The old fuck shakes his head, “No, don’t shake your head at me. I’m not some fucking animal” I say to him.

 The old man starts to walk away from me, I say with a deranged laugh “that's right, walk away you fucking pussy!”

 The old fuck catches up with his wife & tries to wave me off. I say to him, “that’s right hide behind your boyfriend, you fucking faggot!”

 His wife starts to cry & rhetorically asks, "What’s wrong with you?"

 For the record, I hate when people use terms like “gay” to describe shit or use words like “faggot” as an insult, but this was an all American “man” & American “men” have man issues, nothing upsets them more than questioning their sexuality or manliness. As for me I don’t give a fuck about being a “man”, and I don’t care if someone thinks I am a faggot, I have sucked a cock or two and really enjoy it.

 The old man tells his wife to stay put, he has to defend her honor. He walks towards me with his fist up! I point at his wife & say to him, “that’s right, leave the boy over there!”

 He yells at me, “that’s it, you asked for it, you bum!” he then clocks my lip. I could taste the blood, “Ahhhh I love pain!”

 The old fuck punches me again above the eye. I reach my hand into my pants & begin to masturbate, “ahhh that feels good! Pain is my only way I can feel!”

 The old fuck keeps punching me, while I stand there pulling my pud, I quickly ejaculate my fuck. I pull my hand out of my black work pants, & I reveal that my hand is covered with sperm. I extended my hand to him & ask, “Do you want some?”

 He hollers at me, “You are fucking sick!”

 I let off a laugh, then I put my fingers to my lips, & I gobble up the cum, “hmmm, delicious!”

 The old fuck says, “Jesus Christ!”

 I say back, “Jesus Christ has nothing to do with this, but now I’m gonna have to fuck you up!”

 The old fuck charges at me, but I quickly get him in a head lock. With my free hand I reach into my pants, pulling out some sperm, & then I rub it across his face, while saying, “That’s right, it tastes good, I knew you would like it, you fucking faggot!”


Saturday, December 7, 2013

Full Disclosure Alert!

 Going from the shit I type up it would be easy to assume that all of my customers are assholes, but the truth is most of my customers range from being super duper nice to being what you would expect of someone on vacation. The assholes are just so absurd they seem funny to me.

 Now that you read that, I want you to forget that you read it, because it is much funnier to assume I am a bitter fat guy, fuming with rage for my customers & the only thing that can simmer it is ice cold beer, whiskey, & the shittiest music imaginable! 

Another Post About My Asshole (former) Supervisor

 I was sitting in dispatch, dispatching calls when my supervisor walked through the door & asks me, “Do you know what kind of neighborhood has three fried chicken places on one corner?”

 I ignored him hoping he’d go away, I have heard enough grandpa jokes to know that this was one of those racist observations that is supposed to be a joke, but not really a joke.  

 He blurted out “a Churches, a Popeye’s, & a Kentucky Fried Chicken!”

I said to him, “Man, I don’t even want to know!”

He said, “It was like a fucking Snoop Dog video!”

 He went on to talk about his latest adventure at Larry’s Villa, he explained that it used to be much better when it was just a place for white trash strippers, he was disgusted because now it was a place for, “big black bootie women!”

 My supervisor added, “There were a bunch of black drug dealers watching them!”

 I wondered how he knew they were drug dealers & I told him, “Shut the fuck up!”

 He laughed, sensing I wasn't offended enough for his liking, he launched into a rant about how he hopes they* hurry up & build an electric fence on the border, “so we can keep those tax evaders out, because they are sucking up all of our resources!”

 I tried to argue his point with my progressive “bullshit”, but he cut me off with an argument to end all arguments, he said, “I know this is true my mom told me so”

 Yup, this coming from a guy in his 30’s, I went back to drawing & dispatching calls. My supervisor walked out of the dispatch room satisfied that he offended someone he believed to be a democrat. I don’t know if this guy even believes this bullshit or if he says it to me to piss me off.


*they being the Federal Government that he hates!


Friday, December 6, 2013

Fuck This Guy!

 I was helping a customer when some asshole “outlaw” biker butts in, “Where’s the fucking bathroom?”

 Annoyed I didn’t respond, I went back to helping the original guest, but once again the “outlaw” biker interrupts me, “come on, I have to piss… where’s the fucking bathroom?”

 I gave the “outlaw” biker my attention & told him, “You are just gonna have to wait!”

 “Fawwwwwk!” he says.

I thought to myself, “what an asshole, I wonder if this is Danny’s boss?”

 When I finished helping the guest I was originally helping, I paused & looked the “outlaw” biker up & down, then I shot him a look that expressed that I was not impressed. I don’t consider him to be the all American bad boy, America’s outlaw export to the world, or the modern day cowboy, to me he is just a fucking poser & another impatient asshole, who needs to die fucking die!

 With a drawl emphasizing my lack of enthusiasm, I ask, “so, you want the bathroom, hugh?”

He grabs his crotch & says, “yeah!”

I say to him, “follow me”, and then I lead him towards the restroom.

 As we are walking through the casino a woman walks towards us, the “outlaw” biker says “wow, what a fat bitch!”

 I roll my eyes

 It then becomes apparent the women is pregnant, the “outlaw” biker corrects himself and says, “she’s a pregnant fat bitch!”

 I wonder if he thinks I’m impressed by this or find his bullshit funny. I think to myself, “You want to make me laugh? Talk about queefs!”

 As we get closer to the pregnant women, the “outlaw” biker says to the women, “you’re a fat pregnant bitch, you know that?”

 I feel like pulling the gun out of my tool belt & shooting the man, but then I remember that I don’t own a gun, I want to stab him in the throat with my screwdriver, but I lost my screwdriver in a slot machine 3 months ago & never cared enough to buy another one.

 I tell the “outlaw” biker, “Knock it off”

 He asks me, “You don’t like that?”

I said sternly back to him “no I don’t, knock it off!”

 I then pointed in the vague direction of the bathroom & bark at him, “the bathroom is over there”


 I walked off thinking to myself, “go fuck yourself!”

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Reason #412,953,751 My Old Supervisor Is Human Caca

 Many years ago my supervisor (at the casino we no longer speak of) asked me, “Can you believe it, my girl left me for some guy in Wisconsin that she met on World Of War Craft?”

 I could believe it, this guy was a vile human being, a sexist prick, a homophobic asshole, & pompous fuck. The shit he did behind his lady friend's back would make me believe he would be relieved…

 I asked him, “What happened?”         

 He first asked me if I knew what World Of War Craft was, I told him “yeah, that’s what the asshole security guard in my neighborhood is always talking about”
  
 My supervisor then made an asshole comment about one our coworkers Adam playing the game.
  
 I let off a laugh and said, “That would be fucking awesome if it was Adam”

 My boss gave me a dirty look, he didn’t find my dumb comment funny.


 I found it strange that this guy was sad, he was always sharing stories with me about getting his dick wet with woman he met on hook-up lines & fuck sights. Now he has more time to philander & do whatever gross shit his pimply dick desires. 

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Do You Know Where I Can Find Some Pussy?

 Recently, I was working on a slot machine, when I felt a finger poke my back. I got up, turned around, & found a young drunk white dude (aka frat boy) behind me, so I asked him, “is there anything I can help you with?"

The douche bag asks, "Do you know where I can find some pussy?"

 I don't know what compelled me to do this, but I pointed my finger at his crotch. The douche bag got really mad & I could tell that he was debating punching me, luckily for me he didn't.

 I'm not the most politically correct guy or some feminist (obviously), but it bugs the caca out of me when someone refers to woman as “pussy”. I wanted to slap the guy & tell him, "Have some respect for yourself & others, you pathetic piece of shit". Unfortunately I was at work so I wrote this on a piece of paper, that I folded up, & put in my pocket for later.


Chappy!

 I used to work at a distribution center for Lechters. It was a horrible job that required emptying trucks full of bake ware, cooking supplies, & knick knacks that collect dust in a kitchen. The best part of working for Lechters was that they constantly hired temp workers, which meant a steady stream of underpaid coworkers that didn't give a shit about anything.
                                                                        One of the temp workers that I met was a guy that looked like a vampire, he told me that he played guitar & once played in Christian Death, but not on any of their good albums. He went on to explain that he lived in LA, but was stuck in Las Vegas due to a recent drug charge, but this story isn't about him or the shitty Christian Death album he played on.

 One particular morning my boss introduced me to a temp worker & informed me that I would be responsible for him. My new coworker looked like your stereotypical 70's Hollywood version of a Mexican. He looked like Cheech Marin & had the exact same accent. He would constantly ask me, "Do you cruise Balboa Park?"

 I told him that when I was younger I went there, he laughed & said, "I figured as much".

 I liked working with the guy, he was a hard worker, & for the most part he was cool as fuck. He would tell me about being in prison & about his seasonal work he did installing above ground pools. The only weird thing about the guy was that he would always call me Chappy. One day while we were unloading a truck full of boxes marked Rubbermaid he said to me, "hay, Chappy can I borrow your box cutter?"

I handed him my box cutter & asked, "Why do you always call me Chappy?"

 He let off a laugh & explained, "Chappy was a guy I was in prison with & you look just like him, we called him Chappy because we used to put Chapstick on his ass & butt fuck him".

I began to laugh & said, "Rad!"

He then told me, "I'm serious, when you are in prison you are either the boyfriend or girlfriend!"



BJ UPDATE!

 When BJ & I graduated high school we started a punk band together called Puckered Starfish. At one band practice he told me he once fucked a watermelon (or maybe it was cantaloupe).  He explained that it felt good, but after a while he had to cut a new fuck hole because his fucking eventually stretched out the hole making it too loose to fuck… I did see BJ recently at Walgreens but he didn’t tell me anything as interesting as the Watermelon fucking!

Career Opportunities

When I was 15 years old I asked my Dad if he would drive my friend BJ & I to the mall. He agreed because he knew if we were out of the house, our shitty punk band wouldn’t be causing a racket & he wouldn’t have to hear us sing “fuck!”

 When we entered the mall we were wearing the shittiest cloths in our entire wardrobe. Our cloths were stained, torn, & our t-shirts featured vulgar images of bands we thought were awesome. BJ had a tie tied to his head, for an added touch I had my clothes on backwards, & both of us made sure our hair was messy. We went straight for Jewelry stores, lingerie shops, & any place selling formal wear. Most of the stores wouldn’t give us a job application, which made us laugh! One employee even gave us a pep talk about coming back when we were cleaned up & had nicer cloths on.

 To add to the fun, at some businesses we would pretend to be retarded, or speak with a foreign language. Sometimes we would pretend that we just moved here from England & we would speak with a thick cockney accents, it was a laugh riot. 

 Occasionally we would take a break from the game and go to the woman’s department at JC Penny and try on dresses, we thought we looked pretty!

 After a few hours my dad picked us up at the prearranged pick up spot at the prearranged time. Cut us a break, this was way before cell phones were affordable & accessible, & we couldn’t just call Daddy when we were ready to be picked up.

 My dad asked us if we had a good time & what we did. We explained to him that we went to the mall wearing our crappiest cloths & asked for job applications. My dad being a Republican didn’t find this amusing, he shouted at us, “what if some day, you wanted that job? Now you can never have it”. This game was even funny after you left the mall, as my dad yelled at us, we laughed more, as we laughed more, he yelled more & grew increasingly frustrated. Punk Rock!


 I’m now pushing forty & I’m glad to report that I still don’t want those jobs, or any job! 

SNAPPY PUSSY

 Last night at work a drunken lady walked up to me, looked at my name tag, & said, "Karl, I have a snappy pussy! What do you think about that?" I thought to myself, "FUCK YOU!"

 I told her, “it is creating images of snapping turtles, kind of like that Chuck Berry song My Ding-A-Ling".

 I already knew what the lady was getting at, she was a drunken ass hole that wanted to fuck, & no one would fuck her all night long, so she is trying to pull a Thomas Jefferson by fucking the help. She put her arm around me & asked, "so are you gonna help me & fuck my snappy pussy?"

 I told her that I am getting off work shortly, but I would rather get drunk & listen to punk rock records. She seemed annoyed that a loser like me wouldn't jump at the chance at fucking her "snappy pussy".

 I assume I was the last somewhat fuckable looking guy in the casino, so she tried to persuade me one last time by saying, "but I have a nice pussy".

 I stood there and shrugged my shoulders and pretended to act dumb. She got frustrated & asked "why won't you fuck me?"

 I guess I could have told her, "I'm married", but the reason why I wouldn't "fuck" her is because she was an asshole. I shrugged my shoulders again & told her, "I am going to FEST next month!"

 She wasn't impressed by my dumb comment & walked off calling me a faggot.


Friday, November 22, 2013

Asshole Customer #601,446,352,999

  Last night at work, a douche bag went up to a woman that he didn't know and asked for a hug, the woman politely declined the offer and walked away, when the guy yells at her, “fuck you bitch, you got a muffin top anyway!” I told the guy, to get the fuck out of the casino, & for some reason he informed me, “Now, forget you!”
  
 Recently I have seen a lot of men do this shit… they walk up to random woman and ask for a hug, most woman agree, but look a little disgusted. If you are doing this, you are a fucking creep & maybe you should consider jerking off before leaving the house.

 If a woman declines your creepy offer it is not her fault your fragile ego can’t handle rejection. Just thinking about this makes me wish I stabbed you in the eye with my screwdriver. Yes, I am writing this thinking you are reading this creepy hug guy.


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Why Lie I Need A Dick!

 Quite often someone will tell me, “I don’t give money to the homeless, because they are just gonna spend it on drugs.” I’m not saying this assumption is wrong or right, but when I give someone that is homeless money I don’t give a fuck what they spend it on.
 As for me, one of the hardest things about being a dad is going through my wardrobe and finding a T-shirt for school functions that don't feature the word "fuck". Sure, I have other shirts that don't read "fuck", but those are shirts for such great bands as "Asshole Parade", "Vaginasaur Jr", "Anal Cunt", "Asspiss", & "Hello Shitty People"

When I picked up a copy of Stanley Tookie Williams’s memoir Blue Rage, Black Redemption...

 ...I correctly assumed the book would be great, but I didn’t think there would be a funny part in the book featuring a vegetarian, but there was…

 According to Tookie, one day he is walking pass another inmate’s cell, & peaks in. He witnesses a butt naked vegetarian wiping his ass with a piece of bologna. The vegetarian realizes that Tookie sees him, & says “I am not a homosexual! I am planning on feeding this bologna to the guy who lives in the cell next to me!”

 Tookie doesn’t give a fuck what the vegetarian is doing with the bologna, he knows something weird is going on… it’s this kind of insight that led Tookie to be king Crip! A week later the vegetarian offers Tookie a cookie, but Tookie is no dummy and declines the offer.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Today I learned from the Marquis de Sade...

 That some people like it when a young girl farts in a wine glass so they can enjoy the flavor, while others prefer when they are whipped till they bleed, then enjoy authoring a turd that is rubbed into their wounds, while others can't get a hard prick unless someone shits in their mouth.

 Call me old fashion but I like getting drunk & passing out before sex is an option... Sex is an option? Like anyone thinks I can get a John Boehner...

East Side Eavesdropping

 So I was sitting in the punk rock room of my suburban home with the window open, reading a Stanley Tookie Williams memoir when I over heard some kids out front.

 One of the kids said, "hay!"

 the other kids said, "stop being a faggot and be a big boy!"

 The "hay!" kid responded, "I don't want to be a big boy!"

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Keeping It Real

 My supervisor at that shitty casino I used to work at once told me that he enjoys watching amateur porn videos because the people starring in it, seem like people he could actually have sex with.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Today on the Maury Show...

...some guy brought on his wife because he thought she was cheating on him. To make a dumb story short, the husband got drunk and gave his wife a hickey. By the next morning the husband forgot all about the passion mark, & now he thinks he's married to a trifling ass whore.

 I have to admit, I am surprised that I have never done something like this.

Yet Another Benefit Of Working At A Casino...

 Last night (AKA early this morning) at work some drunk dude wondered through the casino and into the employee entrance looking for a restroom.  Lost, drunk, & desperate to find a bathroom, dude ventured further & further into the back hallway, but ended up getting more lost with every turn he took. Eventually drunk dude couldn't hold it, so he opened a supply closet and sprayed shit all over everything.

2 days ago I ran into my "friend" from the corner store and he had this to share....

"Have you noticed that all of the hot woman in BBW videos are fucked by the same in shape asshole with a Rolling Stones & a Pittsburgh Steelers tattoo?" 


 After hearing this I couldn't help but think, "Holy Fuck, there is someone out there that has a Rolling Stones and a Pittsburgh Steelers tattoo? What an asshole!", but I suspect this wasn't the point of the story.

I am not sure what the significance of the saying, “Keep Calm and Chive On”

...but judging from the people that wear T-shirts with that slogan printed on it, it must have something to do with being a total douche bag.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Child Narc

 In front of me was a Mormon dad, who was holding one of his many fucking kids over his shoulder. The kid, a true Aryan quickly spotted that I was guilty of thought crime & proceeded to turn me in, “Dad, that guy over there isn't singing the flag pledge!”

 I thought to myself, “Fuck you!” & “shut the fuck up you little bastard!”

 The Aryan larva continued to narc on me, until his dad shushed him. The kid stopped barking at me, but then shot me a look, letting me know this wasn't the last time I would have to deal with him. I knew then, that one day this kid would kill me.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Fucking !!!SLAYER!!!

 The other day I saw Slayer play, when I went to the bathroom a guy using the urinal next to me offered me a joint, I politely declined, then I focused my attention on the task at hand, emptying my bowels. While I was filled with thoughts of, "ahhhh", I started hearing people yell, "he's a fucking cop". I felt all of the Heshian's eyes on me, so I broke the gentleman's agreement & looked at the other people making pp, they were all looking at me and calling me a, "fucking cop!" I focused on making pp as fast as possible, but it seemed like I had a lifetime worth of pp in me. The last thing I wanted was to be beaten up while making pp, eventually I escaped from the bathroom, but on my way to the bar I over heard a guy say, "If I see Obama in the pit, I am gonna get him!"

 I returned to my date & told her, "I think I will stick to going to punk rock shows!"


 How was Slayer? It was good for the first 20 or 30 minutes then they wouldn't stop playing,

That Dick Was Trick Rolled

 Recently some guy who works security told me about something called trick rolling. He told me “it is a real problem”.  For those not in the know, a trick roll is when a prostitute agrees to suck the nut juice out of your cock for a fee, but instead of paying for a quick nut the working girl robs you. Maybe I am a dick, but I don’t find this to be a “real problem”, I find this to be fucking funny.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Dumb Shit I Heard At Work #Googolplexian, "respect is something that is earned, not given"

 When someone tells me, "respect is something that is earned, not given" I just assume the person is a fucking asshole or a dip shit that repeats dumb shit some other dip shit (presumably a lazy parent) has said to them. I also assume these people mistake the word "respect" with the word "trust".

Great Moments In Punk Rock #614,502,031

 I love to get drunk, I love to read, & I love to go to punk rock shows, this has created a problem for me, I have many memories where I am not sure If I experienced them, someone else experienced them and told me about them, or I read about it while taking a spicy steamer. This would be one of those stories…

 Sometime in the 90’s I saw Fugazi play, it was either at the Huntridge Theatre (or somewhere in California), & some asshole in the audience throws a plain blue pocket T-shirt on stage, Ian MacKaye picks up the shirt & analyses it & says, “I like this, it is plain, functional & has a pocket to hold something, I am gonna keep this”, ha, punk rock! Just imagine that with the sweat pants we were talking about earlier this week!

 Now you may argue whether Fugazi is punk or not, well it doesn’t matter because if you think they are not punk, you are a dick & I don’t argue with something I prefer in my hand, mouth, &/or butt! Put a dick in each hand and I can go skiing!

 If you happen to know if I experienced this or not, don’t bother telling me, because I remember it fondly.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Don't ask your kids about school because you care, do it because it is funny

 Today I picked up my oldest daughter from school & asked her how her day was, usually her response is, “meh”, but today she started cracking up. She explained to me that she has a teacher that is a total creep & super smelly. While my daughter was in class, the kid sitting next to her jumped up and charged at the teacher, then sprayed him with Old Spice: Swagger Body Spray. The teacher drug the kid out of the class and barked at him, “why did you do that?”

 The kid’s reply, “because you stink!”

Monday, October 21, 2013

 Many years ago I ran into a woman that looked like Cybill Shepard, she was turned on by the fact that I looked like a Samiam listening Erik Estrada, so she pulled me into the woman’s restroom and demanded I cum on her tits. Being a young pervert I obliged & I jerked off standing up which is something I dislike intensely. When I eventually spermed on her breasts, I looked at them with the sense of victory and thought, “hell yeah!” She then grabbed the back of my head & barked at me, “stop being a pussy and lick your cum off of my tits!” Before I could think, she pushed my faced into her sperm covered tits, & as expected I lapped up every last drop. I learned a lot that day, which is that I have no shame.

Today, I Met My Future Wife...

 So I am at work, walking around looking for slot machines to service and trying to not let the layer of butt sweat bother me, when I walk up on a woman at a slot machine that could best be described as a drunken mess. I ask the woman, “Hello, is there anything I can help you with?”

 Here response was, “I need a dick, a big one”

 I let off a sigh and said back, “me too”

 She then told me, “If you weren't such a big fag, I’d take you up to my room and fuck yah”

 I let off a laugh and said, “It’s a shame, I don’t have a big dick”

 She then informed me, "you look like you wouldn't have a big dick!"

 At this point I got offended & a bit worried that another customer was listening to this exchange. So I walked off and looked at my watch, 8:05 AM & the drunk assholes are already in the casino.

Monday, October 14, 2013

I have known some fucked up people

 When I was in the band the Red Raspy Rubber Company our singer Jason informed me that he once fucked a sheep, when I asked him why he did this, he explained to me that the sheep’s vagina kept staring at him to the point where he couldn't fight the urge to fuck it… I assume this has a lot to do with me becoming a vegetarian… Last time I saw Jason he was on the Geraldo Rivera Show, or some shit.

Friday, October 11, 2013

David Letterman, White Power?

 Sometime in the early 90’s I saw DI play at the Cattle Club (Sacramento, CA). In attendance were a group of Nazi Skinheads, when they weren't yelling for “Nuclear Funeral” to be played, they were shouting, “White Power” &, “Sieg Heil”, which was usually accompanied with a Nazi salute.

 At one point between songs, Casey Royer said into the mic, “I like Arsenio Hall, it’s not a white thing, or a black thing, it’s a night thing”.  This enraged the Nazis so much that they began to act increasingly violent & chants of “David Letterman, White Power” came from the crowd. Whipped up into a frenzy, the nauseating Nazis could no longer resist their urge to beat me up, so they did.

There is a Tenement's song called Simple Things that has a line that goes…

“I’d love to run my fingers through your greasy hair”

 To be honest with you, the thought of that is completely disgusting to me. I don’t care if I am on a date with a man or woman, being gross isn't punk or even exotic, it’s a turn off.

 Speaking of turn offs, many years ago (1991?) when I went on “dates” & I wasn't fat, old, & gross, I took a young woman out on a date, I don’t really remember what we did or where we went, but I do remember her telling me that she loved the band the Red Hot Chili Peppers, then she went off on a tangent about how she hates blacks & Mexicans.

 I jokingly, but not jokingly told her, “I don’t think Anthony Kiedis would agree”.

 Her reaction to this was to sing, “Passion dripping from the coyote’s eyes, he can taste his blood, and blood never lies, pale face die, true men don’t kill coyotes!”

 I thought to myself, “holy fuck!”

 After our date, I took her home & told her that I didn't wish to see her again.

 She told me, “if you come in, I’ll make you a grilled cheese sandwich, give you a Nitzer Ebb tape, & let you sleep with me”.

 Even though the offer was tempting, I declined, but not out of some sort of sense of wrong or right, I declined because this whole situation was weird.

 Later that week, she called me on the phone and said that her step sister and her, wanted me to come over, and make out with them. The offer was tempting, but something told me that this was the kind of situation that would end up getting me killed & I didn't want the song Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order playing at my funeral.

 A few months passed and she called me out of the blue, she told me that she had slept with one of my friends & that his pp was bigger than mine. I found this strange because we kissed a few times, but it never got to point where she could measure my cock. Even stranger I had P.E. with the guy, so I knew she was right about his penis.

 This was the first, but not the last time in my life that someone that I took on a date would correctly accuse me of having a little pp. From time to time I run into this woman, she is now conservative, a mother, and hates Obama or some shit.

Monday, May 20, 2013

The Benefits Of Talking To Strangers

This morning at the corner store, I was making myself a cup of coffee when a fellow big dude came by & made himself a cup as well, I said to him "what's up, dude?"

 He said to me, “same shit, different day"

 I thought to myself, "Yeah, fuck you too"

 At that moment a chubby woman came into the gas station with her boyfriend that looked like a UFC fighter. The big dude said to me, "I hate when fat girls date a hot guy, because that means they would never go back to dating a fat guy like me!"

 I nodded in amazement because I understood his point, but I didn't really give a fuck. I said to him, "I'm pretty fat & gross, but quite often a BBW or two will hit on me".

 He ignored my smart ass comment & went on a rant about BBW porn, he explained that he hates seeing "hot" guys fuck “fat” bitches, because it gives fat woman some illusion that they can fuck some hot guy & not him.

 I was speechless, I would have told him, "get the fuck out of here", but I was curious about what other shit this ass was going to spew.

 He switched gears and went off about amateur porn staring black guys & how he is put off by the weird things they say to woman in the sexy films. He also said something about the fucking being over exaggerated. He added that in the videos he watches, the blacks are always spitting on the pussies & the buttholes.

 At this point I was looking for a break in the conversation so I could cut and run, I also didn’t want to get beaten up for listening to this guy, so I said to him, "wow, sounds like you really know your porn".

 He paused & thought about what I said & answered back, "I'd like to think so".

 I said to him, "well, later dude! I gotta go!"

The cashier was listening to our entire conversation, so when I went up to pay for my coffee he was cracking up. As for myself, I was trying to hold my laughter. When I walked out of the store I let out a big laugh.

 Several weeks later I ran into the same guy at the corner store, he was getting a coffee & I was getting beer. His eyes lit up when he saw me, I wasn’t sure if I was happy to see him, but I said to him "what's up dude?"

 He said his standard answer, “same shit, different day"

 I jokingly asked him, "anything good on Xhamster?"

 He told me about some video he watched of some big breasted blonde haired woman being titty fucked. I sighed & told him, "my penis is too small to titty fuck someone"

 He didn't acknowledge my comment. He went off about how the woman was making noises like it felt good to be titty fucked. I asked him, "How did that make you feel?

He told me, "it makes me believe she is a fucking liar, it couldn’t possibly feel good to have someone fuck your tits".

 I told him, "My tits are almost big enough to be fucked!"

 He laughed & said, "it might be fun to be titty fucked, but I don't believe it feels so good you are gonna make noises like someone is fucking you"

 I told him "you are right, well I got to go, it's time to get drunk"

He told me, "We should get a drink sometime".

 I lied and said, "That would be fun".

 I went home, got drunk, & listened to the Tenement album Napalm Dreams. The next day Bethany said I made the bed smell like PP because I am a drunk & I sweat a lot in my sleep.

Customers Are Assholes, Fuck Them!

 Today I witnessed a disgusting young woman, sitting at a slot machine that was next to a trash can blowing her nose. Her back was facing the slot machine making it quite apparent she was taking up space that could be better used by a senior citizen pumping in the last of their social security check.

 Without a care is the world she dropped every tissue she blew her nose with on the floor. I was thoroughly disgusted and wanted to fire a Derringer into her face, I'm sure she will go back to Vista, CA or wherever the fuck she is from & laugh it off as "job security".

 Luckily by then several calls came over the radio, so instead of watching this disgusting worthless piece of shit, I had slot machines to service.

 While discussing with a coworker who should get what service calls, I felt a hand grab my back & an instant later the hand shoved me. It was some man in his sixties. Obviously this old fuck was too impatient to bother saying, “excuse me”. As he pushed me aside, I said “don’t touch me”.

 The old man got pissed off & turned around. How dare the help talk to him like that! He rhetorically said to me, “what did you say to me?” I repeated my earlier message “don’t touch me”.

 He tried to make me seem like a liar, he said, “you were walking back into me, I had to hold you off from walking into me”.

 I stood my ground and shot back, “I was talking to someone and you were trying to get by and you shoved me”.

 He told me, “If you have a problem with it, go tell your manager”

 I told him “OK, I will”.

 He then told me, “I will do you one better, I will talk to your manager for you”

 I told him “go ahead”.

 He then told me, “There is something wrong with you! You have issues!” I shrugged my shoulders and laughed.

 I called my boss on the phone & explained the situation to him, by the time the customer located my boss, he was already clued in to the story. The guy gave my boss an earful about how rude I was. When the customer got done being a narc my boss explained to him, that when it comes down to it, he shouldn’t have touched me & if he pushes the issue we will be forced to press charges against him. He was not happy with his experience at the casino, but whatever… no one cared, he was just another asshole.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

DEATHTHREAT (not the band)

 A couple of years ago someone sent me a death threat, I was told by friends that I should hand it over to the cops, but getting my first death threat was special so I didn't, I kept it for my personal collection! Those pigs wouldn't have given it back to me anyway. My thinking is that anyone that would want to kill me would just do it, I go for a bike ride every morning it wouldn't be too hard to fake an accident. The reason I bring this up is that I misplaced my death threat, I’m sure I stuffed it between some records or books last time I was drunk, but fuck I can’t find it which sucks because it was quite the conversation piece!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Rubbed It In My Face

 A while ago a woman came up to me in the casino and showed me a handful of money that she won. I told her, “congratulations”.

 She then asked me if she could rub the money on me for “good luck”, I declined the offer, but that wasn't good enough for her. Before I could push her away, she took her money and rubbed it in my face. I felt like shit & I wished I would have blasted her in the face with an S&W 500.

the life of the underemployed...

 Because I had a job interview today I shaved off my beard, so I no longer look like Saddam Hussein when the Kurds found him, now these fucks have called me and told me to cum back some other time…fuck! Now I look like a fat Mohammad Atta & no one ever wants to fuck that guy. It’s a good thing that being an alcoholic has rendered my penis useless…

A Cum Rush Of The Cast of Gold Rush

 Today the mega church of fag hate tried to persuade me towards the “light” by sending me a post card stating that if I swing on by I can experience the stars of the Discovery Channel hit show Gold Rush… that is a mighty tempting offer, but I think I will stick with my preset course to hell!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Another Typical Customer, Another Typical Asshole From Rancho Cucamonga

 Recently in the casino, I stumbled upon a young woman playing a slot machine, so I asked her, “Mam, would you mind if I check your ID?”

 She told me she didn't have her ID on her, I explained to her that she had to have her ID to be in the casino. Annoyed she got up, looked at my name tag & said to me, “Karl, stop being gay!”

  I said back to her, “I can’t!”

The Health Nuts

 I’m standing in the middle of the casino wondering if I prefer the punk styling’s of Naked Raygun or the sheer awesomeness of Pegboy, but before I could come to a conclusion, an enormous couple walks up to me. Both of them had a venti Frappuccino in one hand & a bag of Ghirardelli chocolate in the other, I must admit I was a bit jealous. I asked the couple, “Hello is there anything I can help you with?”

 The fat man takes a sip of his Frappuccino & asks me, “Do you have a nonsmoking section?”

 I explained to the guy that we didn't. The fat guy gets all pissy & asks, “why not?”

 I told him some jive shit along the lines of, “this is Las Vegas, a smoker’s paradise! Smoking, drinking, & gambling go together!”

 The fat man is not impressed with this, he takes a swig of his Frappuccino, & says to me with total disgust, “Well, the Treasure Island does, & they even have one of those Big Spin Wheel of Fortune machines.”

 I said nothing to the fat man, but thought to myself, “FUCK YOU!”, & “go back to the Treasure Island, mother fucker!”

 The fat man then says to me “look, I care about my health, you just lost our business” & as he turned away he took a big bite of his Ghirardelli chocolate bar. As he stepped away I busted out laughing, I didn't give a fuck if I lost his business, as far as I’m concerned I hope he dies!

 It’s not like I’m against fat people, for fuck sake I’m fat, but you have to be a total asshole to waddle into a casino & give an employee shit about your health as you stuff yourself with sweets. I wish I had a video of these two fucking, I imagine they do it vanilla.

When I have the opportunity to put my penis inside someone's butt that I have never met...

 I wouldn't think of doing it with out wearing a condom... so when I order a record from someone, I expect them to do the same by putting a clear protective sleeve over it.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Five Pounds of Poop

Years ago Danny Hatefuck told me he weighed himself then took a shit, he then weighed himself again after he got done shitting and was amazed that he lost 5 pounds. For over 13 years I have been trying to top his 5 pound poop with a 6 pound one of my own, to this date the biggest weight loss I have received from a turd is about one pound.

I knew a work place asshole outside of work

 I always wondered what work place assholes were like outside of work till I was talking to the old drummer of some shitty band I used to be in. We were good and drunk & he was explaining to me that he doesn't care enough about his employees to bother knowing their names; he then said some other shit which basically reinforced his original comment about not giving a fuck about them. He went on to say, “I assume they all think I am a dick”

 I didn't say anything, but I nodded in agreement with his assessment of his employees.

 He then tried to tell me his position & explain why he isn't a dick. He basically said he was busy.

 I told him, “I’m sure we all have our reasons for acting whichever way we do, but if you are being a dick to your employees you should understand why they think you are a dick, it’s not fair that you treat them like they are less than human, then expect them to not think you are a dick.

 He finished up his beer & excused himself from my house.

 I wasn't trying to offend him, I was having a nice time drinking beer, listening to records, and reminiscing about “back in the day”, but I guess that is why I don’t have too many friends… ha, good riddance!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Condom Memories

 When I was a teenager my dad bought me a huge package of condoms so I wouldn't knock up someone's butt... I am glad he had such confidence in me.

 I ended up using every single one of those condoms, but none of them were used for fucking, some of them I attached to the shower head & filled up with water... you would be surprised how much water you can fit into one of those.

 Others I blew up like a balloon, spit into them, tied them up & threw them at punk bands that were playing. Speaking of throwing shit at bands, sometimes we would buy whitey tighties and smudge food on them so they looked shit stained, then we would throw them at our favorite bands.

 Other times I would put condoms on myself so I would know how to put them on properly, since the rubber was already on I would jerk off. I thought this was pretty neat because the mess would be contained in the condom. Recently I was reminded of all of this so I started asking my friends if they jerked off with condoms on when they were younger & sure enough, just about all of my friends said they did the same thing. It's good to have people to talk to...

 This also reminded me of a time when I was younger and sexually attractive, I got really drunk & had sex with someone yucky*, when I woke up the next morning the condom was off of my penis, but was stuck in my pubic hairs, & this yucky person was saying some weird shit about loving me, gross!

*OK, the person wasn't yucky, I was just trying to put on a show for you.

No Fat Guys, With A No Fat Chicks Policy

 Recently at work I saw a fat man wearing a t-shirt that read, “no fat chicks”. I wasn't sure if he was wearing this to be ironic, whatever! Fuck this guy!

A Typical Work Place Conversation

 I like being a “man” that doesn't participate in spectator sports because every Super Bowl I have the joy of having a conversation with a “real man” that goes like this

Real Man, “Excited about the big game?”

Me, “what game?”

Real Man, “the Super Bowl!”

Me, “I’m not into football”

Real Man, “is your team not playing?”

Me, “I don’t have a team”

Real Man, “you don’t watch football?”

Me, “nope”

Then the real man gives me a weird look, which tells me he is analyzing me to see what’s wrong with me… his conclusion is that I am queer & he usually makes a passive aggressive comment expressing this. For the record, I don’t give a shit if someone watches football or not, but if I was given the choice between sucking a dick & watching the Superbowl, I’d rather end up with a belly full of jism.

The Fart Echoer

 Last night at the Fuck The Facts gig I experienced the fart echoer in the bathroom. When it was my turn to make pp, I let out two vegetarian farts that would make any jazz musician jealous. Unbeknownst to me there was someone behind me. Using their mouth, this person recreated the very sound of my double fart. This was so funny I laughed so hard I farted again, which this person also recreated.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Never Mind The Testicles Here's The Sex Pistols

 In 1987 I bought a copy of the Sex Pistol's album Never Mind the Bollocks on cassette tape at the Hungry Ear Records in Kailua, Hi. I rode my skateboard home from the record store wondering what a "bullocks" was, but I quickly thought about masturbating and I forgot all about it.

 26 years later, I am old, I am tired, & I am driving home from work listening to NPR, because now I am a latte liberal! On my drive home I think about the Smack Song & the line "smack him in the bollocks" & I wonder what part of the body is a bollocks, I assumed it was the buttocks or penis, but I didn't know for sure, so I looked the word up when I got home.

 According to the Merrian-Webster Dictionary it is chiefly British, usually vulgar: testicles!

 Ha, I love it! "please rub my bullocks with your free hand"

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Fuck the IMF:uniting everyone!

 Yesterday when discussing politics with a coworker, I said out loud, “Fuck the IMF!” He nodded in agreement. It was a strange moment for political discussion in the work place, but before you think I have joined the other side let me explain how two people can agree on the same thing for two different reasons.

 When my coworker says, “fuck the IMF” it’s because he or she does not give a fuck about starving people in third world nations, the thought of U.S. tax dollars being handed over to dark people with no strings attached in appalling.

 When I say, “fuck the IMF” it’s because I don’t think money should be lent to countries for the purpose of privatizing their economies... extorting countries for their resources makes me appalled. I would have shared this with my coworker, but I feared it might have made him a fan of the IMF.

Sometime ago when George Herbert Walker Bush was president...

 ...I was in a band called the Red Raspy Rubber Company. We were one of two punk bands in South Lake Tahoe. One day I picked up the singer of the band & drove him to band practice. While we were driving down High Way 50 he said to me, “I have to tell you something, I am bisexual!”

  I assured him that I was fine with it.

 He then told me, “you have nothing to worry about, I’d never hit on you, I find you repulsive.”

 I have to admit I was a bit annoyed by this.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Only On The East Side &/or Lying To Your Kids

 Recently my daughter and I were driving south on Nellis Blvd when we hit a red light at Flamingo RD. While waiting for the light to turn green, I saw an ass out of the corner of my eye. When I turned to look there was a guy standing with his pants around his ankles, & someone sucking his cock. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to bring this to my daughter’s attention, but she noticed I had a weird look on my face. My daughter asked me what was wrong; I fumbled for an excuse… I told her, “I think I might have forgotten something”.

 My daughter asked me what I forgot, I told her, “I don’t know”.

 I locked my eyes with the stop light. It felt like the red light was taking forever to turn green. When the light changed, I drove away and let out a sigh of relief. I told my daughter, “I didn't forget anything”, she told me, “you’re weird!”

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Whenever someone asks me why I constantly draw penises I say, “Because they are funny”, then I tell them, “I have a story to tell you”, this is that story.

 In the early 90’s I was living in the Sacramento area, but I played bass in a punk band in Las Vegas. I was also dating a woman that was a lot of fun, for the sake of this story we will call her Stacey. Stacey was great to talk to, a total pervert, & she liked punk rock music, but after a while Stacey started to tell me a bunch of jive shit about Jesus, usually a dick in her mouth stopped the church chatter, but after a while it was more & more Jesus, & less 7 Seconds. I totally dug her, but the “god shit” was getting old pretty fast. I have been an Anti-Christ Superstar since I was a child so this shit was a deal breaker. Luckily, an opportunity to fly to Las Vegas popped up. 10 days with my buddies playing punk rock music was gonna be a blast & it didn't hurt to be away from the holy roller.

When I returned to Sacramento Stacey told me she had enough of my rock n roll bullshit & deserved better than dating someone that disappeared for ten days at a time. Stacey informed me she was dumping me. I was shocked by this since she knew where I was & besides I was always in Las Vegas so it’s not like it was news. I didn't protest the break-up, I figured it was a good time to end the relationship. After Stacey broke up with me she got pissed that I was indifferent about the break up & pleaded for us to get back together. I told her, “fuck off!”

 Fast forward a week and Stacey shows up at my door with some dude, she tells me she would like to talk. I agree to talk & we take a little walk.

Stacey – so I was in Chico this week

Me- cool, what were you doing there?

Stacey – I met some guy

When she told me this I wasn't jealous, but I was annoyed that she was trying to make me jealous.

Me – oh, that’s nice

Stacey – Yeah, he fucked me in the ass

Me- ha

Stacey – how come when he fucked me in the ass it hurt, but when you did, it didn't?

Me – because he has a big dick?

 I then headed back to my house & tried to sneak back inside, but Stacey followed me in. She then took off her clothes & instructed me to fuck her. I protested and she followed me around the house naked, all while her guy friend was waiting outside. This was the last time I saw Stacey, but it wasn't the last time a woman would accuse me of having a small dick.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

This Jerk-off won't give Asshole Parade a chance

 A few years ago I was at Walgreens buying some shit (I assume Pepto) when some young skater dude came up to me and asked about my Asshole Parade t-shirt. I explained to him that they are an awesome hard core band & if he is inclined he should check them out. He told me there is no good bands any more. Fuck this kid!
 This little fuck had to be fifteen or sixteen. I had no idea how right-now music would be any worse or any better than it was back-in-the-day, which for him was 3 years ago. There is a ton of good bands out there, I am an old fuck that can hardly navigate a computer & I can still find them, so this compulsive masturbater has no excuse.

 You wanna know how I know that the kid that asked me about Asshole Parade was a compulsive masturbater? Well, I used to be him.

 I used to ditch school and masturbate, I once had a job while I was in high school & I masturbated there, not because I was horny, but because I wanted to tell my friends I did it. When I was 16 I drove from Las Vegas to Reno and jerked off while driving my car because I had no car stereo. I once jerked off 6 times in a day and got a blister, my friend Nathan did it 8 times in one day. One time as a teenager my girlfriend jerked me off, & I didn't think “oh that feels good”, I thought to myself, “I am a better jerker offer than you!” Maybe my group of young men & young woman were a bunch of punk rock perverts, if you had sex with someone that was boring to us, any one could fuck, we were more interested if you shoved a Zima bottle up your bum.

The Andy Rooney of Punk Rock sez…

 Usually when someone says, "there are no rules to punk", they follow it with a lengthy explanation of something lame, like voting for Mitt Romney* or laying people off for a living. For the record, no one said, "you’re not punk", I was eavesdropping & I clearly heard them call you a douche bag…

*this is not some ringing endorsement for Obama or the Democratic Party.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Family Valuewww

 The other day I was riding my bike & listening to Iron Reagan, when a truck sped by me with a homophobic bumper sticker stuck to the bumper & a set of faux testicles between the two rear wheels. The message on the sticker was camouflaged with some jive shit about family values. I’m not sure how the “truck nuts” relate to “family values”, but in my opinion teaching your children bigotry is a form of neglect, intellectual neglect that is. My point is, fuck the narrow minded for trying to monopolize & ruin a nice word like “family”.

Since we are on the subject of biting...

 Several years ago when I lived in Sacramento some Nazi Skinhead picked a fight with me, before he could let off his first punch I wrapped my hands around his throat & proceeded to squeeze, I was blinded with rage & filled with adrenalin, so his feeble attempts to hit me did nothing. His short portly friend then started to panic & proceeded to bite my forearm. I was no stranger to street fights, so I started choking Skinhead #1 even harder. Luckily for these two dipshits, a cop showed up because once the first skinhead was unconscious or dead, I was planning on doing the same thing to the second one. To the Skinheads credit I was completely covered in blood & the next day I felt like a truck ran me over.

 I only bring up this story in the slight chance the portly skinhead is reading this. So if he is, be warned… you now have ethnic blood running through your veins. You are no longer pure Aryan! My darkie blood cells will multiply faster in your system than my people do & you know how my people are, they like to fuck without condoms and have babies they can’t afford. Welcome to the mud race, mother fucker! I hope you like eating seeni sambol & curry with a lot of coconut milk in it.

Good Dog

 I like that some senior citizens are stubborn know it all assholes, because quite often when I am walking Ottie I get to have this exchange with them.

 Old duffer - oh, what a cute dog! Can I pet him?

 Me - I'm sorry, but you can't, he is very protective of me & he will try to bite you.

 Old duffer - well, he looks happy, he is wagging his tale.


 At this point the old duffer disregards my warning & attempts to pet Ottie & just as I warned he tries to bite them. The old duffer then jumps back & instead of apologizing, shoots me a dirty look, & says, "what a nasty little dog!"

 Now I become pissed off & I contemplate biting the old duffer for talking shit about my best friend.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Willie Nelson Vs the Crips

 Sometime in the 80’s when I was a tween I first became aware of the Bloods & Crips, according to the school administrators, police, parents, white people, & politicians they were coming for you, they were recruiting your sons, & if you had a daughter that was white they would even try to touch dance with her. It didn't matter that you lived in a planned community with a gate around it… a gate that was built to keep out immigrants, low income whites, & black people of all income levels… thanks to liberal agendas they were in there too. According to these experts your HOA fees will not even keep the Bloods or Crips from killing you over the color of your rag.

 Being a skateboarding punk rock fuck in the 80’s meant I found these scare tactics to be hilarious. Since I could remember the government was trying to scare me with the thoughts of a nuclear holocaust, or communist creeping into our country from the same places we get bananas, now I was told to be afraid of black people. According to my father, Lawyers & the IRS were the real threat, not black people… my dad had some strange ways of teaching equality, but even with a brain the size of a stegosaurus's brain I understood what my father was trying to tell me.

 During this time period I remember skateboarding around Kailua, & seeing a woman wearing a Willie Nelson T-shirt, on the shirt was Willie Nelson’s image & he was sporting a red bandanna. The woman was my mom! I started cracking up, my mom asked me what was so funny, while still laughing I asked her, “Do you think Willie Nelson has ever been shot by the Crips, because they mistook him for a Blood?”

 My mom being a fresh off the boat immigrant from Sri Lanka didn’t understand what I was talking about or why it was so funny. A few months later my parents would put me in a school for retarded kids, because they mistook punk rock & comedy genius as mental retardation. OK, maybe it wasn't mental retardation… I just forgot the term that was used as the reason to send me to “special” school.

 This would be the beginning of my intrigue with Willie Nelson & Street Gangs!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

More High School Memories

 When I was a teenager some kid named Gabe would bully me because he believed I was a homosexual. He followed me around school taunting me, shoving me, & then he eventually fucked up, he had me backed into a corner with his friends & pressed the issue of a fight.

 At this point I blacked out with rage, according to my friend Jason I punched Gabe in the face which made him unconscious, then I grabbed him by the head & bashed his face into a locker.

 The next thing I know I am in the principal’s office, sitting next to Gabe. The beating I gave him was so severe that Gabe came clean & admitted to tormenting me. The Principal didn't give a fuck, he was just mad that he had a disturbance to deal with. I was given a lecture about how I should have sought help from a school administrator. I asked the principal how I was supposed to get help when Gabe and his friends had me blocked in, the principal repeated the same bullshit.

 Gabe & I’s punishment for fighting was 2 days of in-house suspension, I’m not saying I shouldn't be punished for fighting, but I thought it was total bullshit that I received the same amount of punishment as the person who admitted to starting this whole ordeal.

 To add insult to injury the principal told Gabe & I to shake hands, Gabe extended his hand to me, but I refused the offer & I told the principal, “Fuck that!” The principal said he wasn't going to release us till we shook hands, I told the principal, “call my dad!” He said he didn't need to talk to my father, he just needed us to shake hands. I told him I wanted him to call my dad and explain to him why he was making me shake hands with a kid that was bullying me.

 After this Gabe never bothered me, but I would often hope to run into the principal outside of school and dish some justice on him, sadly I never got the opportunity...