Monday, May 20, 2013

The Benefits Of Talking To Strangers

This morning at the corner store, I was making myself a cup of coffee when a fellow big dude came by & made himself a cup as well, I said to him "what's up, dude?"

 He said to me, “same shit, different day"

 I thought to myself, "Yeah, fuck you too"

 At that moment a chubby woman came into the gas station with her boyfriend that looked like a UFC fighter. The big dude said to me, "I hate when fat girls date a hot guy, because that means they would never go back to dating a fat guy like me!"

 I nodded in amazement because I understood his point, but I didn't really give a fuck. I said to him, "I'm pretty fat & gross, but quite often a BBW or two will hit on me".

 He ignored my smart ass comment & went on a rant about BBW porn, he explained that he hates seeing "hot" guys fuck “fat” bitches, because it gives fat woman some illusion that they can fuck some hot guy & not him.

 I was speechless, I would have told him, "get the fuck out of here", but I was curious about what other shit this ass was going to spew.

 He switched gears and went off about amateur porn staring black guys & how he is put off by the weird things they say to woman in the sexy films. He also said something about the fucking being over exaggerated. He added that in the videos he watches, the blacks are always spitting on the pussies & the buttholes.

 At this point I was looking for a break in the conversation so I could cut and run, I also didn’t want to get beaten up for listening to this guy, so I said to him, "wow, sounds like you really know your porn".

 He paused & thought about what I said & answered back, "I'd like to think so".

 I said to him, "well, later dude! I gotta go!"

The cashier was listening to our entire conversation, so when I went up to pay for my coffee he was cracking up. As for myself, I was trying to hold my laughter. When I walked out of the store I let out a big laugh.

 Several weeks later I ran into the same guy at the corner store, he was getting a coffee & I was getting beer. His eyes lit up when he saw me, I wasn’t sure if I was happy to see him, but I said to him "what's up dude?"

 He said his standard answer, “same shit, different day"

 I jokingly asked him, "anything good on Xhamster?"

 He told me about some video he watched of some big breasted blonde haired woman being titty fucked. I sighed & told him, "my penis is too small to titty fuck someone"

 He didn't acknowledge my comment. He went off about how the woman was making noises like it felt good to be titty fucked. I asked him, "How did that make you feel?

He told me, "it makes me believe she is a fucking liar, it couldn’t possibly feel good to have someone fuck your tits".

 I told him, "My tits are almost big enough to be fucked!"

 He laughed & said, "it might be fun to be titty fucked, but I don't believe it feels so good you are gonna make noises like someone is fucking you"

 I told him "you are right, well I got to go, it's time to get drunk"

He told me, "We should get a drink sometime".

 I lied and said, "That would be fun".

 I went home, got drunk, & listened to the Tenement album Napalm Dreams. The next day Bethany said I made the bed smell like PP because I am a drunk & I sweat a lot in my sleep.

Customers Are Assholes, Fuck Them!

 Today I witnessed a disgusting young woman, sitting at a slot machine that was next to a trash can blowing her nose. Her back was facing the slot machine making it quite apparent she was taking up space that could be better used by a senior citizen pumping in the last of their social security check.

 Without a care is the world she dropped every tissue she blew her nose with on the floor. I was thoroughly disgusted and wanted to fire a Derringer into her face, I'm sure she will go back to Vista, CA or wherever the fuck she is from & laugh it off as "job security".

 Luckily by then several calls came over the radio, so instead of watching this disgusting worthless piece of shit, I had slot machines to service.

 While discussing with a coworker who should get what service calls, I felt a hand grab my back & an instant later the hand shoved me. It was some man in his sixties. Obviously this old fuck was too impatient to bother saying, “excuse me”. As he pushed me aside, I said “don’t touch me”.

 The old man got pissed off & turned around. How dare the help talk to him like that! He rhetorically said to me, “what did you say to me?” I repeated my earlier message “don’t touch me”.

 He tried to make me seem like a liar, he said, “you were walking back into me, I had to hold you off from walking into me”.

 I stood my ground and shot back, “I was talking to someone and you were trying to get by and you shoved me”.

 He told me, “If you have a problem with it, go tell your manager”

 I told him “OK, I will”.

 He then told me, “I will do you one better, I will talk to your manager for you”

 I told him “go ahead”.

 He then told me, “There is something wrong with you! You have issues!” I shrugged my shoulders and laughed.

 I called my boss on the phone & explained the situation to him, by the time the customer located my boss, he was already clued in to the story. The guy gave my boss an earful about how rude I was. When the customer got done being a narc my boss explained to him, that when it comes down to it, he shouldn’t have touched me & if he pushes the issue we will be forced to press charges against him. He was not happy with his experience at the casino, but whatever… no one cared, he was just another asshole.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

DEATHTHREAT (not the band)

 A couple of years ago someone sent me a death threat, I was told by friends that I should hand it over to the cops, but getting my first death threat was special so I didn't, I kept it for my personal collection! Those pigs wouldn't have given it back to me anyway. My thinking is that anyone that would want to kill me would just do it, I go for a bike ride every morning it wouldn't be too hard to fake an accident. The reason I bring this up is that I misplaced my death threat, I’m sure I stuffed it between some records or books last time I was drunk, but fuck I can’t find it which sucks because it was quite the conversation piece!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Rubbed It In My Face

 A while ago a woman came up to me in the casino and showed me a handful of money that she won. I told her, “congratulations”.

 She then asked me if she could rub the money on me for “good luck”, I declined the offer, but that wasn't good enough for her. Before I could push her away, she took her money and rubbed it in my face. I felt like shit & I wished I would have blasted her in the face with an S&W 500.

the life of the underemployed...

 Because I had a job interview today I shaved off my beard, so I no longer look like Saddam Hussein when the Kurds found him, now these fucks have called me and told me to cum back some other time…fuck! Now I look like a fat Mohammad Atta & no one ever wants to fuck that guy. It’s a good thing that being an alcoholic has rendered my penis useless…

A Cum Rush Of The Cast of Gold Rush

 Today the mega church of fag hate tried to persuade me towards the “light” by sending me a post card stating that if I swing on by I can experience the stars of the Discovery Channel hit show Gold Rush… that is a mighty tempting offer, but I think I will stick with my preset course to hell!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Another Typical Customer, Another Typical Asshole From Rancho Cucamonga

 Recently in the casino, I stumbled upon a young woman playing a slot machine, so I asked her, “Mam, would you mind if I check your ID?”

 She told me she didn't have her ID on her, I explained to her that she had to have her ID to be in the casino. Annoyed she got up, looked at my name tag & said to me, “Karl, stop being gay!”

  I said back to her, “I can’t!”

The Health Nuts

 I’m standing in the middle of the casino wondering if I prefer the punk styling’s of Naked Raygun or the sheer awesomeness of Pegboy, but before I could come to a conclusion, an enormous couple walks up to me. Both of them had a venti Frappuccino in one hand & a bag of Ghirardelli chocolate in the other, I must admit I was a bit jealous. I asked the couple, “Hello is there anything I can help you with?”

 The fat man takes a sip of his Frappuccino & asks me, “Do you have a nonsmoking section?”

 I explained to the guy that we didn't. The fat guy gets all pissy & asks, “why not?”

 I told him some jive shit along the lines of, “this is Las Vegas, a smoker’s paradise! Smoking, drinking, & gambling go together!”

 The fat man is not impressed with this, he takes a swig of his Frappuccino, & says to me with total disgust, “Well, the Treasure Island does, & they even have one of those Big Spin Wheel of Fortune machines.”

 I said nothing to the fat man, but thought to myself, “FUCK YOU!”, & “go back to the Treasure Island, mother fucker!”

 The fat man then says to me “look, I care about my health, you just lost our business” & as he turned away he took a big bite of his Ghirardelli chocolate bar. As he stepped away I busted out laughing, I didn't give a fuck if I lost his business, as far as I’m concerned I hope he dies!

 It’s not like I’m against fat people, for fuck sake I’m fat, but you have to be a total asshole to waddle into a casino & give an employee shit about your health as you stuff yourself with sweets. I wish I had a video of these two fucking, I imagine they do it vanilla.

When I have the opportunity to put my penis inside someone's butt that I have never met...

 I wouldn't think of doing it with out wearing a condom... so when I order a record from someone, I expect them to do the same by putting a clear protective sleeve over it.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Five Pounds of Poop

Years ago Danny Hatefuck told me he weighed himself then took a shit, he then weighed himself again after he got done shitting and was amazed that he lost 5 pounds. For over 13 years I have been trying to top his 5 pound poop with a 6 pound one of my own, to this date the biggest weight loss I have received from a turd is about one pound.

I knew a work place asshole outside of work

 I always wondered what work place assholes were like outside of work till I was talking to the old drummer of some shitty band I used to be in. We were good and drunk & he was explaining to me that he doesn't care enough about his employees to bother knowing their names; he then said some other shit which basically reinforced his original comment about not giving a fuck about them. He went on to say, “I assume they all think I am a dick”

 I didn't say anything, but I nodded in agreement with his assessment of his employees.

 He then tried to tell me his position & explain why he isn't a dick. He basically said he was busy.

 I told him, “I’m sure we all have our reasons for acting whichever way we do, but if you are being a dick to your employees you should understand why they think you are a dick, it’s not fair that you treat them like they are less than human, then expect them to not think you are a dick.

 He finished up his beer & excused himself from my house.

 I wasn't trying to offend him, I was having a nice time drinking beer, listening to records, and reminiscing about “back in the day”, but I guess that is why I don’t have too many friends… ha, good riddance!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Condom Memories

 When I was a teenager my dad bought me a huge package of condoms so I wouldn't knock up someone's butt... I am glad he had such confidence in me.

 I ended up using every single one of those condoms, but none of them were used for fucking, some of them I attached to the shower head & filled up with water... you would be surprised how much water you can fit into one of those.

 Others I blew up like a balloon, spit into them, tied them up & threw them at punk bands that were playing. Speaking of throwing shit at bands, sometimes we would buy whitey tighties and smudge food on them so they looked shit stained, then we would throw them at our favorite bands.

 Other times I would put condoms on myself so I would know how to put them on properly, since the rubber was already on I would jerk off. I thought this was pretty neat because the mess would be contained in the condom. Recently I was reminded of all of this so I started asking my friends if they jerked off with condoms on when they were younger & sure enough, just about all of my friends said they did the same thing. It's good to have people to talk to...

 This also reminded me of a time when I was younger and sexually attractive, I got really drunk & had sex with someone yucky*, when I woke up the next morning the condom was off of my penis, but was stuck in my pubic hairs, & this yucky person was saying some weird shit about loving me, gross!

*OK, the person wasn't yucky, I was just trying to put on a show for you.

No Fat Guys, With A No Fat Chicks Policy

 Recently at work I saw a fat man wearing a t-shirt that read, “no fat chicks”. I wasn't sure if he was wearing this to be ironic, whatever! Fuck this guy!

A Typical Work Place Conversation

 I like being a “man” that doesn't participate in spectator sports because every Super Bowl I have the joy of having a conversation with a “real man” that goes like this

Real Man, “Excited about the big game?”

Me, “what game?”

Real Man, “the Super Bowl!”

Me, “I’m not into football”

Real Man, “is your team not playing?”

Me, “I don’t have a team”

Real Man, “you don’t watch football?”

Me, “nope”

Then the real man gives me a weird look, which tells me he is analyzing me to see what’s wrong with me… his conclusion is that I am queer & he usually makes a passive aggressive comment expressing this. For the record, I don’t give a shit if someone watches football or not, but if I was given the choice between sucking a dick & watching the Superbowl, I’d rather end up with a belly full of jism.

The Fart Echoer

 Last night at the Fuck The Facts gig I experienced the fart echoer in the bathroom. When it was my turn to make pp, I let out two vegetarian farts that would make any jazz musician jealous. Unbeknownst to me there was someone behind me. Using their mouth, this person recreated the very sound of my double fart. This was so funny I laughed so hard I farted again, which this person also recreated.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Never Mind The Testicles Here's The Sex Pistols

 In 1987 I bought a copy of the Sex Pistol's album Never Mind the Bollocks on cassette tape at the Hungry Ear Records in Kailua, Hi. I rode my skateboard home from the record store wondering what a "bullocks" was, but I quickly thought about masturbating and I forgot all about it.

 26 years later, I am old, I am tired, & I am driving home from work listening to NPR, because now I am a latte liberal! On my drive home I think about the Smack Song & the line "smack him in the bollocks" & I wonder what part of the body is a bollocks, I assumed it was the buttocks or penis, but I didn't know for sure, so I looked the word up when I got home.

 According to the Merrian-Webster Dictionary it is chiefly British, usually vulgar: testicles!

 Ha, I love it! "please rub my bullocks with your free hand"