Sunday, April 28, 2013

Fuck the IMF:uniting everyone!

 Yesterday when discussing politics with a coworker, I said out loud, “Fuck the IMF!” He nodded in agreement. It was a strange moment for political discussion in the work place, but before you think I have joined the other side let me explain how two people can agree on the same thing for two different reasons.

 When my coworker says, “fuck the IMF” it’s because he or she does not give a fuck about starving people in third world nations, the thought of U.S. tax dollars being handed over to dark people with no strings attached in appalling.

 When I say, “fuck the IMF” it’s because I don’t think money should be lent to countries for the purpose of privatizing their economies... extorting countries for their resources makes me appalled. I would have shared this with my coworker, but I feared it might have made him a fan of the IMF.

Sometime ago when George Herbert Walker Bush was president...

 ...I was in a band called the Red Raspy Rubber Company. We were one of two punk bands in South Lake Tahoe. One day I picked up the singer of the band & drove him to band practice. While we were driving down High Way 50 he said to me, “I have to tell you something, I am bisexual!”

  I assured him that I was fine with it.

 He then told me, “you have nothing to worry about, I’d never hit on you, I find you repulsive.”

 I have to admit I was a bit annoyed by this.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Only On The East Side &/or Lying To Your Kids

 Recently my daughter and I were driving south on Nellis Blvd when we hit a red light at Flamingo RD. While waiting for the light to turn green, I saw an ass out of the corner of my eye. When I turned to look there was a guy standing with his pants around his ankles, & someone sucking his cock. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to bring this to my daughter’s attention, but she noticed I had a weird look on my face. My daughter asked me what was wrong; I fumbled for an excuse… I told her, “I think I might have forgotten something”.

 My daughter asked me what I forgot, I told her, “I don’t know”.

 I locked my eyes with the stop light. It felt like the red light was taking forever to turn green. When the light changed, I drove away and let out a sigh of relief. I told my daughter, “I didn't forget anything”, she told me, “you’re weird!”

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Whenever someone asks me why I constantly draw penises I say, “Because they are funny”, then I tell them, “I have a story to tell you”, this is that story.

 In the early 90’s I was living in the Sacramento area, but I played bass in a punk band in Las Vegas. I was also dating a woman that was a lot of fun, for the sake of this story we will call her Stacey. Stacey was great to talk to, a total pervert, & she liked punk rock music, but after a while Stacey started to tell me a bunch of jive shit about Jesus, usually a dick in her mouth stopped the church chatter, but after a while it was more & more Jesus, & less 7 Seconds. I totally dug her, but the “god shit” was getting old pretty fast. I have been an Anti-Christ Superstar since I was a child so this shit was a deal breaker. Luckily, an opportunity to fly to Las Vegas popped up. 10 days with my buddies playing punk rock music was gonna be a blast & it didn't hurt to be away from the holy roller.

When I returned to Sacramento Stacey told me she had enough of my rock n roll bullshit & deserved better than dating someone that disappeared for ten days at a time. Stacey informed me she was dumping me. I was shocked by this since she knew where I was & besides I was always in Las Vegas so it’s not like it was news. I didn't protest the break-up, I figured it was a good time to end the relationship. After Stacey broke up with me she got pissed that I was indifferent about the break up & pleaded for us to get back together. I told her, “fuck off!”

 Fast forward a week and Stacey shows up at my door with some dude, she tells me she would like to talk. I agree to talk & we take a little walk.

Stacey – so I was in Chico this week

Me- cool, what were you doing there?

Stacey – I met some guy

When she told me this I wasn't jealous, but I was annoyed that she was trying to make me jealous.

Me – oh, that’s nice

Stacey – Yeah, he fucked me in the ass

Me- ha

Stacey – how come when he fucked me in the ass it hurt, but when you did, it didn't?

Me – because he has a big dick?

 I then headed back to my house & tried to sneak back inside, but Stacey followed me in. She then took off her clothes & instructed me to fuck her. I protested and she followed me around the house naked, all while her guy friend was waiting outside. This was the last time I saw Stacey, but it wasn't the last time a woman would accuse me of having a small dick.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

This Jerk-off won't give Asshole Parade a chance

 A few years ago I was at Walgreens buying some shit (I assume Pepto) when some young skater dude came up to me and asked about my Asshole Parade t-shirt. I explained to him that they are an awesome hard core band & if he is inclined he should check them out. He told me there is no good bands any more. Fuck this kid!
 This little fuck had to be fifteen or sixteen. I had no idea how right-now music would be any worse or any better than it was back-in-the-day, which for him was 3 years ago. There is a ton of good bands out there, I am an old fuck that can hardly navigate a computer & I can still find them, so this compulsive masturbater has no excuse.

 You wanna know how I know that the kid that asked me about Asshole Parade was a compulsive masturbater? Well, I used to be him.

 I used to ditch school and masturbate, I once had a job while I was in high school & I masturbated there, not because I was horny, but because I wanted to tell my friends I did it. When I was 16 I drove from Las Vegas to Reno and jerked off while driving my car because I had no car stereo. I once jerked off 6 times in a day and got a blister, my friend Nathan did it 8 times in one day. One time as a teenager my girlfriend jerked me off, & I didn't think “oh that feels good”, I thought to myself, “I am a better jerker offer than you!” Maybe my group of young men & young woman were a bunch of punk rock perverts, if you had sex with someone that was boring to us, any one could fuck, we were more interested if you shoved a Zima bottle up your bum.

The Andy Rooney of Punk Rock sez…

 Usually when someone says, "there are no rules to punk", they follow it with a lengthy explanation of something lame, like voting for Mitt Romney* or laying people off for a living. For the record, no one said, "you’re not punk", I was eavesdropping & I clearly heard them call you a douche bag…

*this is not some ringing endorsement for Obama or the Democratic Party.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Family Valuewww

 The other day I was riding my bike & listening to Iron Reagan, when a truck sped by me with a homophobic bumper sticker stuck to the bumper & a set of faux testicles between the two rear wheels. The message on the sticker was camouflaged with some jive shit about family values. I’m not sure how the “truck nuts” relate to “family values”, but in my opinion teaching your children bigotry is a form of neglect, intellectual neglect that is. My point is, fuck the narrow minded for trying to monopolize & ruin a nice word like “family”.

Since we are on the subject of biting...

 Several years ago when I lived in Sacramento some Nazi Skinhead picked a fight with me, before he could let off his first punch I wrapped my hands around his throat & proceeded to squeeze, I was blinded with rage & filled with adrenalin, so his feeble attempts to hit me did nothing. His short portly friend then started to panic & proceeded to bite my forearm. I was no stranger to street fights, so I started choking Skinhead #1 even harder. Luckily for these two dipshits, a cop showed up because once the first skinhead was unconscious or dead, I was planning on doing the same thing to the second one. To the Skinheads credit I was completely covered in blood & the next day I felt like a truck ran me over.

 I only bring up this story in the slight chance the portly skinhead is reading this. So if he is, be warned… you now have ethnic blood running through your veins. You are no longer pure Aryan! My darkie blood cells will multiply faster in your system than my people do & you know how my people are, they like to fuck without condoms and have babies they can’t afford. Welcome to the mud race, mother fucker! I hope you like eating seeni sambol & curry with a lot of coconut milk in it.

Good Dog

 I like that some senior citizens are stubborn know it all assholes, because quite often when I am walking Ottie I get to have this exchange with them.

 Old duffer - oh, what a cute dog! Can I pet him?

 Me - I'm sorry, but you can't, he is very protective of me & he will try to bite you.

 Old duffer - well, he looks happy, he is wagging his tale.


 At this point the old duffer disregards my warning & attempts to pet Ottie & just as I warned he tries to bite them. The old duffer then jumps back & instead of apologizing, shoots me a dirty look, & says, "what a nasty little dog!"

 Now I become pissed off & I contemplate biting the old duffer for talking shit about my best friend.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Willie Nelson Vs the Crips

 Sometime in the 80’s when I was a tween I first became aware of the Bloods & Crips, according to the school administrators, police, parents, white people, & politicians they were coming for you, they were recruiting your sons, & if you had a daughter that was white they would even try to touch dance with her. It didn't matter that you lived in a planned community with a gate around it… a gate that was built to keep out immigrants, low income whites, & black people of all income levels… thanks to liberal agendas they were in there too. According to these experts your HOA fees will not even keep the Bloods or Crips from killing you over the color of your rag.

 Being a skateboarding punk rock fuck in the 80’s meant I found these scare tactics to be hilarious. Since I could remember the government was trying to scare me with the thoughts of a nuclear holocaust, or communist creeping into our country from the same places we get bananas, now I was told to be afraid of black people. According to my father, Lawyers & the IRS were the real threat, not black people… my dad had some strange ways of teaching equality, but even with a brain the size of a stegosaurus's brain I understood what my father was trying to tell me.

 During this time period I remember skateboarding around Kailua, & seeing a woman wearing a Willie Nelson T-shirt, on the shirt was Willie Nelson’s image & he was sporting a red bandanna. The woman was my mom! I started cracking up, my mom asked me what was so funny, while still laughing I asked her, “Do you think Willie Nelson has ever been shot by the Crips, because they mistook him for a Blood?”

 My mom being a fresh off the boat immigrant from Sri Lanka didn’t understand what I was talking about or why it was so funny. A few months later my parents would put me in a school for retarded kids, because they mistook punk rock & comedy genius as mental retardation. OK, maybe it wasn't mental retardation… I just forgot the term that was used as the reason to send me to “special” school.

 This would be the beginning of my intrigue with Willie Nelson & Street Gangs!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

More High School Memories

 When I was a teenager some kid named Gabe would bully me because he believed I was a homosexual. He followed me around school taunting me, shoving me, & then he eventually fucked up, he had me backed into a corner with his friends & pressed the issue of a fight.

 At this point I blacked out with rage, according to my friend Jason I punched Gabe in the face which made him unconscious, then I grabbed him by the head & bashed his face into a locker.

 The next thing I know I am in the principal’s office, sitting next to Gabe. The beating I gave him was so severe that Gabe came clean & admitted to tormenting me. The Principal didn't give a fuck, he was just mad that he had a disturbance to deal with. I was given a lecture about how I should have sought help from a school administrator. I asked the principal how I was supposed to get help when Gabe and his friends had me blocked in, the principal repeated the same bullshit.

 Gabe & I’s punishment for fighting was 2 days of in-house suspension, I’m not saying I shouldn't be punished for fighting, but I thought it was total bullshit that I received the same amount of punishment as the person who admitted to starting this whole ordeal.

 To add insult to injury the principal told Gabe & I to shake hands, Gabe extended his hand to me, but I refused the offer & I told the principal, “Fuck that!” The principal said he wasn't going to release us till we shook hands, I told the principal, “call my dad!” He said he didn't need to talk to my father, he just needed us to shake hands. I told him I wanted him to call my dad and explain to him why he was making me shake hands with a kid that was bullying me.

 After this Gabe never bothered me, but I would often hope to run into the principal outside of school and dish some justice on him, sadly I never got the opportunity...